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7 Signs She Doesn’t Love the Real You

Some women give up on finding the man who is good for them. Instead, find someone who “must do” and work to become the man they really want. Having left out and are in a relationship, when the “changer” will work. You can say “I love you” and believe it too. But is it really in love with his idealized notion of what might be no, they really are. Here are seven signs you’re dating someone like this:

First Compromise suddenly has a new definition

Do you like foreign films with subtitles, like romantic comedies. Typically, you compromise the collection and transforms the film. But change, this compromise did not last long. Soon you will hear: “But I really want to see this movie!” Or “I’m afraid that will not play next week.” Change means a compromise for what he wants … every time.

2. Your girlfriend will be “Our Lady of the constant criticism”

It ‘OK if a woman asks you to “dress up a little’” for a special occasion, but there is always some appeal changer, accessorize with it, such as: “Why do you like blue jeans all the time” It does not can have the clothes, he is fixed, though. Marc (who has the drive has been in the past), says: .. “All mines have habits were always under the threat when people are trying to focus on some rubbing on the front I, scratching the back of my head, but was trying to make me stop and when it was not …, c ‘ was always something else irritates him. “

3. If you happen to disagree, it is always wrong, and he is always right

You and your girlfriend should enjoy having conversations with each other. You may disagree on some issues, but the difference of opinion should be stimulating, not worse. However, the exchanger must be convinced that you are wrong, no matter how trivial matter. There is only one reasonable point of view – yours.

4. Your friends are barely visible when you first started seeing each other

Last, do your friends do not seem to come very often and they do not prompt you to either. They have their own opinions about your daughter, it seems that constitute changer danger. She is probably doing subtle things to make your friends uncomfortable in his presence. If so, this means that it hopes to isolate you, making its ability to manage your life so much easier.

5. Her schedule is more important than yours

Phil, who also has the gear, he recalls, “The first day was a movie I wanted to see on Saturday, but wanted to leave the results Tuesday. So, on Tuesday, it was then. He wanted to attack Early Show, I explained that I worked outside of the city that day, and I have to fight rush hour traffic to make it in time. – and to organize my schedule, but I refused to do it ‘was hard, but somehow I managed to arriving on time has come too late I hope that was our first and last day “…!

6. Trivial things become vital to your happiness

Your girlfriend tells you to stop leaving wet towels on the floor of the room is reasonable. But she insists that you order something to share, every time you go out for dinner, too? If she insists on taking his car to nice restaurants, because yours is dirty or has a visible bulge? If she complains about every little thing before and during your period, so it’s a changer. The next time she insists you order something from the menu that is not to your taste, try changing your choice of dining companions instead. You will be happier in the long run.

7. In their relationships, the support is a one way street

When she needs your support, always delivered. But anyway, it’s different when you need something from it. Support is generally subject to conditions or dramatic sighs followed long. Whatever evil changer note that this is probably because of you, and sympathy is always absent.

This article comes from match.com

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November 3, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

You Lie More Often Than You Think

“The individual who wants all their applause from outside has their pleasure in another’s preserving.” — Claudius Claudianus

Once, in a marriage training I was offering, I offered a research operate to each individual which essential them to make to lifestyle one complete 7 days with a wish to talk exactly what they were considering and sensation to those with whom they had any get hold of. This provided household, associates and even visitors. What I found was that many persons are considerably pushed in their capability to be genuine and obvious when it comes to saying what they really think to others. They are conflicted between what they really think, and their wish (need) to not chance the disapproval of others.

One fresh individual who came again the next 7 days and discussed how she was really able to recognize her need for endorsement and endorsement from others when she declined a demand from a buddy. She revealed that while, at first, it was unpleasant it was also the most publishing expertise she had ever known. She recognized that she had granted herself to be used hostage in every marriage she ever had been in because she was dependent to the endorsement of others. Buddha shown that connection is at the actual of all enduring. I wonder how many of us allow ourselves to expertise, being used in psychological nipple play (or better said, psychological blackmail) by others, not because of their requirements, but because of our own connection to being beloved and worry of denial or disapproval. Rob Waldo Emerson authored, “The only sin that we never reduce in each other is a distinction in viewpoint.” Bill Penn said it even more succinctly: “There can be no marriage where there is no independence. Friendship likes totally free air, and will not be fenced up in right and small enclosures.”

Are you totally able to have a distinction of viewpoint with others and communicate it without fear? Can you say no without fear? And, as well, do you supply others the same independence to say no to you without submitting them on a shame trip? If the very believed of that kind of expertise can make your pulse battle, perhaps it’s a chance to examine your capability to get to “no” others better.

Where do you start? Have becoming secure in understanding that beyond your egoic self (which grows on endorsement from others) there is within you the use of an unlimited energy performing as your “soul” specialist. While center always functions from unconditional like it never wants endorsement from others. Often periods, saying “no” can be the most caring element you can do for others and yourself. When you do your living from such a place of self-awareness you will know that if you are led to say no to someone there will be no need to you are, supply or warrant your location. Describe to them that you are not rejecting them, only their demand. Know who you are and be totally free.

In all your activities with others, keep in mind that it’s not so much what you say but how you say it. When someone can make a demand of you that does not obtain an real “yes” in your center, merely take in considerably and encourage a mindful knowledge of spirit’s location to be believed within you. Let your phrases be tv through that location and you will discover the energy and acceptance to say “no” in a way that is variety, caring and definitely apparent. Let nothing be partial in your emails currently and recognize how totally free you experience.

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October 22, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Is It True Love.?

I thought a lot about love lately. What is love? What is True Romance, eternal love and how is it different from, say, a mother’s love? {Or is it different?} In my quest through the confusing web of information and misinformation in the online world, I found the following article. I’m still not convinced the subtleties of true love can be fully explained and explored in a short article, but it does not provide useful information on how experts view of love. This knowledge can in turn, makes us a quarter-lifers better able to identify true love when we see it or live it .


Eternal Love: How do you know if it’s true?

Your heart races every time he calls and your palms sweat when he’s around. You think it can be “one”. But how do you know if this is the real deal?

Dennis Ireland, author of being a man in a world of women (Remington Publications, 2000), says that love has three stages: the stage of infatuation, the bonding step and the familiar scene. Dr. Ireland, an ordained minister and doctor of metaphysics, said it helps to consider the three phases to determine if you have the real thing.

The attraction phase is when you can not wait to be with another person. This is the stage of romantic love, says Dr. Neder, the WHO warns that this is the stage where people think the “real thing”. But this phase lasts only a short period.

The second phase, said Dr. Ireland bonding phase. During this phase, you get to know the other person and you begin to plan the aspects of your life around them. If you go through this stage you finally enter the third phase, or what Dr. Holland calls “the familiar scene.”

In the familiar scene, you have created a model involving the other person. “Your lives are intertwined and merged,” said Dr. Holland. “You know how crucial the other person feels about almost everything. And interesting,” said Dr. Ireland “, you will also focus on your life, and its own management objectives. “Dr. Netherlands, it says here that most professionals believe” Real Love “begins.

The definition of “True Love”

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry”, or so the famous phrase of the film is Love Story. But when asked to define what true love is, even if the experts can stop and think. Maybe it’s because true love means different things to different people.

Dr. Neder defines true love as concern for the health, welfare and happiness of another person in a greater degree than their own health, welfare and happiness. “When you carefully consider your words, thoughts and actions, and specifically how they will benefit from this other person,” says Dr. Neder, “you’re in love.”

Christiane Northrup, MD, author of women’s bodies, women’s wisdom (Bantam, 1998) and The Wisdom of Menopause (Bantam, 2003), “tells the true love is when you care enough for someone to give them the space and time they need to become all they can be. “

Conversely, if someone says, “If ye love me, …», not love, says Dr. Northrup. According to Dr. Northrup is the” second chakra “to speak. And when the” love “comes from Here, it’s about control. True love comes from the “heart chakra” and is easily recognized as unconditional support.

Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D,. and Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., author of the forthcoming book, eternal love, says that true love happens when you move from the unconscious desire for voluntary recruitment. “When you hear people say,” Relationships are hard work “is an expression of commitment of the unconscious,” says Kathlyn Hendricks. Consciously developed, the doctors said. Hendricks, which means that you reveal your true self to your partner and support your partner through thick and thin.

Laurie Moore, Ph.D., tells you all the love has an open heart. “When we are together, is an open and secure at the same time,” he says. Moore believes, however, that this does not necessarily mean the person you love is your life partner.

Nine ways to tell if Your Love Is Real

  1. So how do you know if you’re in a lasting relationship? This is what experts say:
  2. You feel good. A good relationship makes you feel good about yourself.
  3. You look forward to spending time with your partner. You do not need to be with other people or events to avoid being alone together. You enjoy spending quality time together, even when it is calm.
  4. You respect your partner. You hear you brag to your partner. You say things like: If you find that you are always talking about yourself, you are not focused on your partner or a relationship “My husband is a really talented singer-songwriter.”.
  5. Are you interested in what your partner thinks. You ask your partner’s views on issues that are important to you. It’s OK if he or she disagrees with you.
  6. You accept your partner’s whims. Everyone has them. Even you! If your partner’s quirks are endearing or tolerable, which is in good shape. If it really bothers you, you should look more closely at the relationship.
  7. You are able to work through your problems. It is natural to have some bumps in the road to true happiness relationship. People in healthy relationships see disagreements as a chance to learn more about their partner. But if you create problems, or if you think every game is a “big one” that leads to a solution, you should probably reconsider your relationship.
  8. You feel safe. They are not afraid of losing her partner.
  9. You can not explain why you are together. Many people coordinate their lives they have to be together. But ask yourself if you are together, because you really want to be. If the answer is “yes,” then you’ll probably stay together. If “no”, you are bound to have problems – if you have not already.
  10. Do not compare your partner to others. There is always someone more beautiful, smarter and more athletic than her partner, but I do not care because they do not want to be with him or her.
  11. If you do not yet know if love will last, try this last suggestion, Dr. Moore: Make a list of what you need from someone to be happy. If the list is complete, you may have found love forever.
Originally Published on Liminas Magazine

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October 12, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

How To Maintain A Relationship

“When it comes to love, do not fall, but go, go with the idea that we must love yourself before loving another. It is imperative that trust before it can absolutely trust another and Most importantly, you must accept your flaws before accepting the shortcomings of another. “
Remember the last time you got in a fight or an argument with your partner? Was not it frustrating? Was not it painful? Was it necessary? What can we do to handle these situations without ruining our relationship?Relationships with spouses and girl / boy-friends can be one of the most rewarding of our lives. We keep a special place, someone with whom we shared many moments of joy. Personality differences are inevitable, and what makes us unique as individuals, can lead to disagreements and conflicts during the relationship.When these disagreements are not properly understood and managed emotionally, exchange banal mix full of fighting, and perhaps the end, what we have spent months or years to build.Yes, there is a relationship in which the figures are incorrect, and breaks are useful. However, many cracks are useless, as a result built on cycles of hatred and destruction. When they occur, we will experience tremendous pain and emotional hurt.To deal with our partners to increase awareness and a genuine desire to understand, we believe that the key to the welfare of these special reports.
Truth:::::::-

Before digging the ways in which we can overcome, disagreements and fights on the relationship issues, we give more detail what happens when you’re in this state of discomfort. Here are some insights into our discussion, we observed patterns.

Play a crying baby - We are becoming a baby. At any time during a fight, one of us is calm, while the other becomes a baby. This person becomes irrational, severe emotional, whiny and defensive. They say things they later regretted. When the baby finally expressed, it rises gradually becoming the clams, and changes the role of the other person becomes the crying baby.
Attention, appreciation, thank you - When we fall in the state crying baby, we’re really looking for attention, recognition, appreciation and care. The root of our emotional response when we are in this state seeks reinforcement of why we care.
Selfish and authoritarian - When our inner child we subsume, we are selfish and egocentric. We can not understand why our partner is not sympathetic. The more we try to express ourselves, the less they seem to connect what bothers us. In this state, we lack the ability to consider the feelings of our partner, and forget that they are injured.
Victim mentality - When we become a baby, we feel that we offer. Our minds are focused on finding evidence to support our story victim. By doing this, the other person is unreasonable. When we find our evidence, we begin to play scenes of ourselves as a sacrifice, and we play it repeatedly. We feel the pain in our hearts and we are looking for more pain and multiple causes of pain. To some extent unconsciously, we take this pain, because it allows us to play the role of victim, why feed our fear that life is full of painful relationships and no one really understands us.
 Right and wrong - At first glance, the battle comes down to who is right. We believe that we are right and we must prove that the other person is wrong. The disagreement quickly turns into a battle of egos. In this state, we have a strong desire to demonstrate to the other person that we are right after all.
Bottled Emotions - How the baby crying, we give a purely selfish thoughts that arise in our mind. Bottled emotions deep within us because those thoughts, but they are often linked to the situation. Take your emotions bottled does not mean that we can communicate our feelings. Often we are not even aware of these feelings until they manifest in our lives. For example, go and watch a movie, but we wanted to go see the movie first, then unconsciously sabotaging the film with a hiking problem complain of a bad place, or complain that the bus ticket is too long.
Alternative concept - We collect words expressed by the other person jump to conclusions and assume the worst. We find a way that serves us, but it is not the true meaning of their words for now. We say that this importance is the absolute sense and is final and permanent. The truth is that when we are irrational, we say all sorts of things that we do not go out with increased emotion.
Gender - men are so sensitive and emotional than women. The difference is in how men and women to express themselves, and this is often misunderstood. Here are some differences that we observe. Consider the following three things when playing: 1.) I am aware that this is a generalization, so bear with me. 2) When I say “women”, I mean the feminine qualities and trends of sex change. Similarly, when I speak of “men”, I mean masculine qualities. It is possible that a woman more traditionally masculine qualities and vice versa. 3) I’m using a few men and women in the examples, but applies to same-sex couples as well.
As women tend to hide our thoughts. When we are upset about something, it is assumed that the other person is a mind reader to know exactly what we think, without telling them. We took advice on being angry and frustrated. This is very frustrating for men (or women of other) because they want to help but can not seem to go anywhere and can not understand why we are so bad. In view of our partner does not pick up on our rates, we have even more angry and hurt.
That men, who tend to be more verbal, we think out loud. We internalize some or all of our feelings, our thoughts are externalized through speech or writing. Because we talk about our thoughts, often have problems with women in our lives, as they may be affected by what we say. The company has trained to be an alpha male ego, which acts as a barrier to defend the integrity and strength of character. The force that defines us and our thoughts, keeping our less-than-rock-steady guarded emotions. In fact, we are very perceptive and sensitive than society gives us credit for. It’s easy to feel that our women are not happy and want to help their new happiness. But she is still upset and are supposed to be mind readers. We do not know what you think. It is very painful. We want to say just exactly what we can do to be happy again.
Solutions
It is inevitable that members have different opinions and everyone has days when emotions can get the best of them. The problem is not that we have conflicts with our partner, the problem is how to handle the situation. When our egos in the way, our mind is clouded and you end up making a mountain out of a molehill.Some of us use these conflicts as an opportunity to respond: Is my relationship stronger than the problem? They use this as a way to measure the stability of relations. They can not see this issue in itself the causes of conflict, because it requires a comparison. Instead, a more efficient matter is: Are we mature enough as people to resolve conflicts with care, attention and grace?
Here are some tips that have proven effective in our relationships:

1. Awareness - To raise awareness of the situation. Become an observer of your thoughts, your feelings, your needs and your ego. Ask yourself
  • What I want right now?
  • Do I want my heart or filtered by my ego?
  • Do I want to help me become a better person?
  • I want to get that bring happiness and satisfaction for myself and those around me?
  • What are the most important aspects in my life? Is that between my values?
2. Express, do not remove - to speak frankly and freely. Yes, the truth may hurt, but if you are responsible for your words and speak with respect of the other person, honesty and sincerity of their message shines through. The other person deeply thank you for it. Honestly, not only frees up your mental load, but also contributes to mutual understanding.
3. Acknowledge your baby’s crying - to bring awareness of a situation, we will improve on the recognition that our partner is in the baby’s crying. When a baby is very beneficial if you remain calm. Do not take what they say personally in this state do not think so.
4. How to relieve baby - crying baby The state is a condition of origin. We become irrational and unreasonable. We feel that we are a small child cries for attention again. In this spirit, our partners can do to reassure us when we are in a way baby? Sit down with your partner beforehand to discuss openly what would make them feel better when they state that baby? For example, to calm the child in me I would be held and caressed. To reassure the child of Adam, he wants to focus on deep breathing to get out of this mindset. What reassures the child in you?
5. Pattern Interrupt - When we repeatedly do something, it becomes a habit. Instead of succumbing to a pleasant act does not give you the desired result, disrupt this pattern by doing something (shocking) independent or random. When you feel down in a negative spiral, get up and do 10 jumps with exaggerated movements, making faces, doing a happy dance around the room. This will help you bounce out of the state of mind.
6. “Look into my eyes” - If you can see that your partner is in a state of irrational, or a child is upset, ask them to look into the eyes, even for only 30 seconds. When they look into your eyes, look back in their eyes and imagine to spend an infinite amount of love for them. Through their eyes, looking for their soul. You can be upset too, just to get to the moment, take a few deep breaths and just focus on their eyes and how beautiful they are.
7. Breathing - Close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing. Take a few deep breaths and continue to breathe normally. Continue to do this for at least 5-10 minutes. Draw your attention in your lungs expand and contract. Feel the energy in the air brings. When you change your focus, you will need to change your thinking.
8. Ask yourself: ”Am I saying that I might win the battle?” – If the answer is yes, ask yourself to win this battle will make a difference in your life in 40 years? What about tomorrow?
9. Ask yourself: “What about me I do not like?” - Often, the arguments that we get are simply an extension of ourselves, if we realize that we at a later date. When we are quickly jumping to judge others, we are actually projecting that we do not like that person. observe our thoughts and behaviors toward others can expose our own insecurities about the subject.
10. Try different shoes - Imagine yourself in the shoes of your partner. To the best of your ability, to feel the pain the other person feels. How does it feel? What is the new perspective is that? After a few seconds, pretending that “we” does not exist, and that you are in the other person. The experience of their words and feelings as your own. This simple exercise will help give you the compassion and consideration for the other point of view.
11. “What made me feel.” - After having informed the angles, always talking about how something that made you feel. Example: “When I heard of you, made me feel that I was not important” .. Disclosure of how each of us feel rather than think about what they have done evil, to reduce their instinctive need to feel defensive. When people do not have any of the fence, are more likely to listen and be ready to solve the problem.
12. Step Out, Cool Off - Going to a different room, separated from him a moment to step back and clear. Do some deep breathing exercises. Re-group and become aware of the situation. Retrieve a clear understanding of what is most important to you, and re-evaluate whether the “war” worth fighting.
13. Listen - Listen to the other person. Really listen. Give them the respect they want, give them the opportunity to express themselves without judging them. Delivery time and just be there. Listen as if listening to yourself. Listen to them in the way you want to be heard.
14. Accept and forgive - Remember that inside we’re all good people. In fact, we are all born innocent, loving, kind and generous. Look, like you, that the light in yourself.
15. Apologies & Tell - say sorry and show that you understand and explain why you feel it. Do not be shy or let your pride get in the way. Life is short, do the right thing rather than good for your ego.
16. Abandon the defensive - to give up the need to be defended. Listen when the other person to express their feelings. Do not treat the words as a criticism, to listen to acceptance and a genuine desire to love them. This is not a power struggle, is a conversation. The expression of your feelings and needs of their partners do not have anything to do with you. And do not tell other people, “stop being so defensive.”
17. Focus on what they have done well - when we are angry with our partners, we tend to focus on what they have done wrong, and we believe that the characteristics of the defects of character. “What we focus on expands.” And these features confirm the most we focus on them. This in turn makes us even more upset. Concentrate on what he has done the right thing. Concentrate on the things that you love them. Focusing on the beautiful features that make them unique.
18. Stop finger - Investing guilty of fighting for survival. It is a natural progression for us to blame the incident and the comfort of the United Nations of other people or events that surround us. I too have done many, many times. At the end of the day, the only thing we can control ourselves, and our reactions to life situations. Can we really blame others for our unhappiness? Instead, look at ourselves and what we can do proactively to transfer our thoughts and understanding of the situation so that we can be happy? As one of my favorite quotes wisely says: “We can not control the wind, but we can control the sails.” So true.
19. Gratitude - I’ve always found it useful when you are depressed and argumentative to focus on the blessings in my life. By changing our focus, we can change our state of being away and continue to feel unwell. List of things they are thankful for today, close your eyes and thank all the parts of your body to function without end, to enjoy his life, a journal of all things they are thankful for today ‘Today or read a newspaper in his old list of gratitude.
20. Building a strong sense of self-esteem - I believe that the uncertainties arising from reports are the result of the uncertainties we have with ourselves. We must love ourselves before we can truly accept love from others. Set aside time to build relationships with ourselves, and in this process, we find that our uncertainties are persistent and end up falling in love with ourselves. Do not you fall in love so ego driven, but in the same way we experience the love and connection to all beings. Go to holiday, to spend time with yourself, you appreciate it, do the things that feed your soul. What is the love that you wish you could do more? For me, that reads.
What worked for you when dealing with those awkward moments in a relationship? What is your ideal perfect relationship?
Share your thoughts in the comments

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October 8, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Makes A Relationship Great

Why are some couples happier than others? What is the “secret” for a great relationship? With certain couples it is clear there is something about the way they interact that makes it obvious they have a unique and genuine connection.

Even if you’re in a good relationship, you can’t help but wonder: What do they know that I don’t? And if you’re single, you might look at these couples and attribute it all to chemistry or destiny. But it turns out that people in great relationships live by a few basic rules and they make these rules a priority in their day-to-day lives together. Consider these habits that can help you create a strong, nurturing relationship.

  • Great relationships are based on realistic expectations
  • Great relationships take work and thoughtfulness every day
  • Great relationships need communication know-how
  • Great relationships turn negatives into positives

Great relationships are based on realistic expectations

Forget what you see in the movies or on television. In other words, real relationships aren’t anything like what you see in the movies full of non-stop romance, candlelight dinners and whirlwind trips to exotic locations.

Real relationships take effort, time and commitment. Great relationships just don’t happen because two people love each very much, great relationships happen because not only do two people love each other very much, they also value one another and are willing to make an investment of time into the relationship – day after day.

Couples in healthy and positive relationships have a fundamental understanding of the proper and appropriate expectations for a stable and long-lasting relationship. They understand that not all days will be full or passion and romance. Similarly, they understand that rough spots in a relationship may only be temporary if good communication is present to work through these times.

A good way to look at this is to consider not getting too excited with the very high “highs” or too concerned with the very low “lows.” Both are momentary at best, and will not define the true nature and scope of the relationship over a long period of time. By reframing these extremes, you will be left with the right measure of balance and the right set of expectations to build a quality and sustainable relationship for many years to come.

Great relationships take work and thoughtfulness every day

People who are in successful relationships work on these partnerships regularly. They don’t just set their life on cruise control expecting things to be great all of the time. Ask yourself, “What can I do today to make my partner’s life better?” Little bits of effort every day will accumulate over time and make a big difference.

Think of small, specific ways to make your relationship better whether it’s picking up your loved one’s dry cleaning, telling your partner that you’re proud of him or her, or taking over a task he or she really doesn’t like to do.

You should make an effort every day to deposit at least one act of thoughtfulness into your relationship’s bank account. Your goal, however, should not be to make a huge withdrawal at the end of the week. Your only goal should be to keep giving the things your mate wants – either his or her expressed and unexpressed wants. If there are actions you can take to make your partner’s day more convenient and less stressful, then do them. But, again, don’t do them for what you could gain by providing them.

Great relationships need communication know-how

It may look as if people in great relationships intuitively know what their partners need. But the truth is, no one is a mind-reader so don’t expect your partner to be able to figure out how you’re feeling.

When things aren’t perfectly in sync, couples in this kind of relationship know how to communicate. They know that instead of giving their partner a laundry list of what he or she is doing wrong, they can be specific about what it is that they want. They also make an effort to discover what their partner’s needs are. The best way for most people to do this is talk about it.

Ask your partner what things are really important to him or her. Does he want to know you’re proud of him? Does she need to be able to express her sadness over a family or work-related situation without hearing how she ought to handle it?

Too often we get into the habit of coaching and not listening. The best way to let your partner know you are listening is to ask how she or he “feels” about the situation. Once they begin sharing, your job is simply to shut-up and listen. Offer acknowledgments and affirmations from time-to-time to demonstrate you are engaged with what is being said. Only give your opinion or advice if asked.

Great relationships turn negatives into positives

You may have heard the expression: “When you are given lemons – make lemonade.” Overtime, relationships are handed several lemons. The sources for negative feelings and unbalance are numerous. Some are directly caused between both people because of poor or missing communication. Indirect sources of anxiety in a relationship can be work- related or financially based.

When the interpersonal aspect of the relationship is creating the negativity, consider this simple exercise. First, you and your partner must be open to honest feedback. Next, ask your partner this question: “On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate our relationship (keep in mind the word “relationship” can be substituted for intimacy; support of one another, etc.).

Allow your partner time to reflect and provide an honest reply. If the answer is “Seven,” ask this follow-up question: “What are three things I can do to get our relationship to a ten (if the answer is “six,” you would ask for four things, etc.)? Again, give your partner time to consider their response. It may be hard to listen, because the answers may sound critical and negative. But really, the answers are solutions to turn the negatives into positives.

There is one more critical part of this exercise. After your partner is finished and you have taken in and acknowledged the areas for improvement, ask this question: “What are three (or whatever the number needs to be) things you can do to get our relationship to a ten?”

By asking this follow-up question, it’s putting the relationship back on equal footing and back into the spirit of a true partnership. Except for certain extreme and unfortunate examples, most relationships are successful, or not successful, because of the contributions and efforts of both. Take an honest look at how you are contributing to any negative circumstances, but also be aware it does take two to make it work and to create a more positive and healthy relationship.

When lemons drop from the trees, but you and your partner were expecting apples, begin to make lemonade by creating an action list of what you both can do to get apples next time.

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August 20, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

15 Voiceless Mistakes Peoples Make in Relationships

One of my friends recently asked his girlfriend, “What’s one dumb thing I do in the relationship?” She looked at him in shock, “Where do I begin? If it has to be one, I’d just say you can be a real ****.” “What! How dare you. Now it’s my turn,” he replied. A dam wall of topics the couple needed to talk about freely gushed into the open. An hour later they finished talking.

We make many dumb relationship mistakes, which I have noticed after years of study and observing communication and human behavior, that all cannot be listed here. I use the term “dumb” not to put people down, but only because a lot of people repeat the same blunders. Put an end to these 15 relationship mistakes, in no particular order:

1. Withhold Feelings

Men are more guilty than women in withholding feelings from their partner. If something ticks men off, they may hide their irritation instead of revealing what it is that annoyed them. Women are indirectly guilty of this relationship mistake. While women are more emotional than men, they withhold feelings in the sense that they blame or criticize others to indirectly express their emotions. “I hate you for…!” is not an example of expressing your feelings. An expression of emotion is, “I feel sad about…” “I’m feeling happy you…” “I am angry!”

2. Reject Emotions

We may withhold feelings from someone because we reject our emotions. It is uncomfortable for most people to feel guilt, shame, anger, sadness, and even love so they reject these emotions by thinking positively or generally suppressing them. You feel whatever you do for a reason – accept it. Your relationships deteriorate if you suppress anger, for example, because you will resent and behave bitterly with people.

3. Blame

The failure to healthily express emotion can show itself through blame, a common relationship mistake. Look at an argumentative couple to see each person blaming the other for relationship problems. Neither acknowledges imperfection, preferring to be right. Each person thinks people ought to change instead of taking the responsibility for self-change. Victimization is a relationship mistake unhealthy for either person.

4. Gossip

People gossip about their relationships mainly for self-pity. They seek validation that the other person is to blame for relationship problems. If you have a relationship problem, talk with the person you share the problem with and stop complaining about it to your friends or coworkers. The other person is not the cause of your suffering; you are because of your ignorance to the problem through gossip. If a gossiper just turns the mirror on himself, he would realize the rumors hurt his relationships. A gossiper is no better than the originator of the problem. Neither roles create resolution – both compound it.

5. Interpret Behaviors Negatively

“Give people a margin-for-error because you don’t know every detail.”

A gossiper is one example of a person that blames others and interprets their behaviors in a negative light. Each little behavior signals a conspiracy against the cynic. If you think your husband is having an affair, anything he does will be filtered through that perspective.

Give people a margin-for-error because you don’t know every detail. Each of us hold a piece of truth discoverable through communication. The best way to resolve your worries is to ask the person by showing interest in their life.

6. Show A Lack of Interest

Do you know what happened to your partner today? When was the last time you watched a friend play their weekly sport? When did you last ask what someone did at work? Get curious about people’s lives by asking a lot of questions and displaying attentive body language. Communication often lacks in relationships because neither person takes the initiative to learn about the other person. Interest in people’s lives makes them feel important, builds the relationship, and teaches you a lot of great stuff in the process. Think of something a person important to you enjoys then go do it with them. You may even want to take up a new hobby together like dancing or yoga.

7. Exert Excessive Control

We hate being controlled and told what to do. The worst managers micro-manage, dictating employee behavior. Many angry employees echo similar remarks.

The greatest leaders give team members freedom. The same is true in families and interpersonal relationships. If you order your teenage daughter to not smoke, research shows she is more likely to smoke. One study that looked at how values transmit through families found that children with authoritative parents have different values to them. When the parents are supportive rather than restrictive, the children agree and accept similar values.

8. Try to Change People

Whenever we try to change people, whether it be through manipulation, criticism, orders, threats, or rewards, they take on strange behavior. Do a test in a safe environment. Intentionally tell someone what they are doing is wrong and the person could not change, become suddenly quiet, resent you, gossip about you, or purposefully do what you said not to do. We always try to change people, but rarely succeed.

9. Remain Unchanged

We expect people to change while we remain unchanged. Rigid perspectives on money, family, work, emotion, and the relationship creates severe friction that can destroy a relationship. “If my coworker stopped…then I’d be able to…” “If my son stopped…then I could…” “My partner should…then I’d feel…” I’ll give you an if-statement to remember: if you don’t change, you have no right to expect people to change.

10. Keep One’s Point of View

“It is logically and mathematically irrational to conclude one can be right 95% of the time.”

What is your honest estimate of the percentage you think you are right in an argument? 80? 90? 100%? I estimate most people say 95%. That means a fighting couple’s righteousness totals 190%, a formula for conflict. It is logically and mathematically irrational to conclude one can be right 95% of the time. We are not divine beings knowing of truth.

Each of us possess the truth that we must be flexible enough to explore. The cure to any couple’s problem is held by each person because their point of view is 50% of the relationship.

11. Deny Flaws to Show Perfection

Because we don’t change and like to keep our original point of view, we deny flaws and show perfection. When a mistake arises, we freeze about being found out. A simple sit-down discussion where the two of you each admit three flaws about yourselves helps keep destructive perfection at bay while encouraging growth. You do not fear imperfection when mistakes are encouraged to surface.

12. Absence of Admiration

Relationships are easy to take for granted. We devalue what we have while desiring what is out of our reach. Put some effort into the relationship. You can show people you value the relationship with them through admiration. Give a compliment. Send a gift. Thank someone for a task they did. Phone one person now and thank them for something specific.

13. Be Judgmental

We love to judge people. As described in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People book, there are four judgments: criticism, labeling, diagnosing, and praising. We criticize (“You are no good at helping me”), label (“You are a jerk”), diagnose (“Stop being rude because you don’t get what you want”), and praise (“You are the sweetest person for doing that”). Each judgment has its own problems too deep to described in this article.

14. Send Solutions

It is counterintuitive that solutions kill relationships. After all, don’t solutions cure problems? More often than not in relationships, solutions create problems. We feel inferior being controlled and the problem-solver often overlooks the real issue. Solutions are usually manifestations of other dumb relationship mistakes like blame, gossip, trying to change people, and sticking to one’s point of view.

15. Avoid Concerns

The most frequent dumb mistake people make in a relationship is avoiding their partner’s concerns. Look at any bad relationship and each person will tell you their needs are not being met. They are not being listened to, understood, cared for, loved, whatever. Good communication is the key to overcoming these problems and meeting each other’s needs.

There you have 15 mistakes people frequently make in their relationships. Follow this advice then hopefully the next time you ask someone what one mistake you do in the relationship, no walls break because walls are nonexistent.

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August 16, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

15 Fetching facts on Human Attraction

Look closely at your crush, spouse or significant other. Does he or she have symmetrical features? A strong jaw? Or even look a little like yourself? The psychology of human attraction is a fascinating field to study, and depends on all kinds of factors, including reproduction, positive association, and more. Keep reading to learn how and why we find certain people so good to look at.

  1. We love symmetry: Symmetrical features aren’t just aesthetically pleasing, they symbolize good genes, healthy development, fertility and a prime mating companion. Those with better symmetry will most likely produce offspring who are also stronger and more immune to gene manipulations or alterations.
  2. Women with prominent eyes are attractive to men: As you’ll see as you keep reading, most of what we find attractive has to do with potential reproduction and mating. In this case, women with shorter and more petite chins and foreheads means they have more estrogen (since estrogen limits bone growth in these areas). That shape makes the eyes look more prominent, a trait that men generally find attractive.
  3. Men with a larger jaw and prominent brow are more attractive to women: Men have the opposite face shape, usually. A stronger, more prominent jaw and brow equates more testosterone, and women find these characteristics attractive.
  4. Women like powerful, protective men: During menstruation, women are more attractive to men who would give them healthy, genetically blessed children, should they every mate. This means men who have dominant, powerful and protective characteristics, both physically and behaviorally.
  5. Hourglass shape: Women can stop aspiring to look like the androgynously built models on catwalks and embrace their curves, as long as their waist to hip ratio is ideal. Men supposedly find women with waist to hip ratio of 0.7 to be most attractive, no matter what her weight is. Having an hourglass shape is an indicator of a woman’s reproductive capabilities (allegedly).
  6. The younger, the better: Humans are attracted to neoteny, “the retention of juvenile features like large eyes and baby-smooth skin in adults,” Time.com explains. When tested, men and women found 15-year-old girls to be more attractive than 19-year-old women.
  7. Women like a guy who makes them laugh, guys like a woman who laughs at his jokes: Women really mean it when they say that they just want a guy who makes them laugh. A 2005 study found that women were attracted to men who made them laugh, while men found women attractive when they laughed at their jokes.
  8. We’re attracted to people we see regularly: Proximity plays a role in attraction, so if you’ve got a crush, find a way to bump into him or her regularly. People are more likely to hook up (even for the long haul) with someone they’re physically close to, in class, at work, friends, or neighbors.
  9. Gay men go either way: There’s no straight rule for what gay men find attractive, although they usually favor one of two types. Socially speaking, Time notes that gay men either favor “guys who look as if they are in their teens, [or] guys who look as if they could be your dad.”
  10. We like people who look similar to us: Don’t fret if your significant other is tall while you’re short, or is even a completely different race than you. Even similarities between lung volume, ear lobe length and metabolic rates have been found among couples, causing scientists to believe that humans like picking mates who resemble themselves. Another study even foundthat we’re more likely to stay married to and abstain from child abuse if we end up with a mate with a similar genetic makeup.
  11. Birth control pills may affect attraction: This next item is still inconclusive, but we thought it was worth considering. Because the type of characteristics that women find attractive in a man waver so dramatically depending on her monthly cycle, scientists are starting to think that women who take birth control pills — which control hormones more steadily — may have an affect on what — or who — they’re attracted to. And on the other hand, scientists discovered that men are generally more attracted to women when they’re most fertile. But if they’re altering their fertility — never quite reaching peak condition — men might find them less attractive than if they were not taking birth control.
  12. Romantic love might be more important than sex: Beyond symmetry, sex, reproductive potential and proximity, true love is still a powerful influence in forming overall attraction. Scientists who took brain scans of people newly in love found “more activity related to love than sex…” reports LiveScience.com.
  13. Reciprocal liking: This theory is in direct opposition to unrequited love. Reciprocal liking means that we’re attracted to the person who likes us back. We’re flattered that they like us, which makes us feel good, which makes us associate positive feelings with that person.
  14. We want a mate who resembles our parents: You’ve probably heard that girls just want to grow up and marry someone who reminds them of their fathers. But the same is probably true for men, too. We might be attracted to people who look like our parents because we look like our parents (see #10).
  15. Positive association plays a role: Related to #13, this idea is based on findings that we make emotional, irrational associations with people based on what we’re feeling at that time, even if it has nothing to do with that person. For instance, you might think a guy is cute when you see him in line at airport security — when you’re frustrated and tired — but you won’t be as attracted to him as the guy you play kickball with on Thursdays — when you’re more relaxed and happy.
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July 25, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

15 Steps to a Balanced and Happy Marriage

The other day my husband and I were talking about our marriage and how happy we are together. Then we somehow started talking about our friends and how some of their marriages and relationships didn’t work out. It was sad to see some of them go through painful divorces or experience great disappointments in people who were considered their second halves just a while back.

It’s not a secret that rates of divorces are rising like crazy all over the world now (in the United States 50% of all marriages end in divorce and in Ukraine the rates are just a little bit lower). I am not going to go into the details of why it is happening but I would like to share my experience of a happy and balanced marriage. I hope that maybe these tips will help some couples to live happily ever after.

    1. Be honest with each other. I think marriage and any serious relationship starts with honesty.
      My husband is a scuba diver and he has a few scuba buddies. If you do not know much about diving then I want to share one secret: it is EXTREMELY expensive (you need at least $3000 on average to get your own gear and as you become better at it you will want more expensive and more professional equipment). For the reason that I cannot figure out scuba diving is a real addiction for men and they cannot stop buying new equipment no matter how much they have already (my husband is past that point thankfully :-) ) Back to the scuba buddies, these guys are married and they hide their new equipment from their wives. Every time they buy something new they try to sneak around and get it delivered when their wives are not home, then they hide it real good to make sure that their wives do not know how much they’ve just spent (my husband has never done anything like this, phew!). One of these guys has just divorced and now they are fighting over the custody of the children. I can’t imagine living with a person who is not honest with me, neither does my husband and I do not have much hope in marriages that are based on lies and sneaking around.
    2. Do not only say “I love you,” show it.
      My parents divorced when I was about 10 years old. I remember my dad always talking a lot about how much he loved my mom and me but he never showed it. He never helped my mom around the house, he never helped her financially to raise me after the divorce, and he never tried hard enough to be a good husband and a good dad.
      It is important to show your partner your love. It can be support in a difficult situation, help around the house or with the kids, a romantic night out or a timely hug when you are feeling blue.
  1. In a relationship you are a team and not two solo players. When you are married you lose some of your “I” and turn it into “We.” Marriage is like a football game (without getting slammed though :-) ). A person who does not know the rules will look at the field and see a bunch of big guys running around, jumping on each other and acting completely irrational. A person who knows the rules will see a strategy behind every move. Each player has his own role on the field and each of the players is responsible for the final score. In a marriage it is important to have your own life and your own interests, however happy couples know that all these interests are worthless if they do not benefit their team. There is a great movie called Facing the Giants that continues this analogy (this is a Christian movie). Another one of my favorites is Fireproof and I think that all couples need to watch it because it is a wonderful and inspiring movie.
  2. Keep romance burning in your relationship. There is nothing worse than a boring and unromantic relationship. When women start wearing hair rollers and shower caps around the house and when men spend all their time on the coach with a bottle of beer in their hands you can say that this relationship is doomed. Here are 10 ways to turn a boring relationship into a party of love and I am sure that you can think of at least 100 more.
  3. Be best friends. A marriage based only on friendship is hardly possible, but a marriage without friendship is doomed. What do friends do? They talk, they share their most intimate thoughts, they share their joys and sorrows, they have fun together, and they help and support each other. Can you imagine a marriage without all this? I can’t.
  4. Let little things slide. This tip is mostly meant for women because a lot of us (women) go crazy about little things like dirty socks around the house, a glass that was left in the wrong place or the wrong type of produce that he picked up at the grocery store. Men can think only about one thing at a time (these are words of my husband, no offense guys). When they think about a nice bottle of wine that they want to bring home for supper they forget whether you wanted Romaine lettuce or spinach. When they think about a football game they forget where they leave their glass and when they are ready to cuddle up with you under a blanket they forget where they threw their socks. Look at the big picture and enjoy a deep relationship and bond with your partner, after all nobody is perfect.
  5. Talk. When I say “talk” I do not mean just talking about what refrigerator you have to buy or what happened at work during the day. I mean talking about everything: about friends, about news, about your interests, about your concerns and about 100 more subjects. My husband and I lose track of time when we start talking to each other and I love this time more than anything else in the world (well, almost anything ;-) ). Talking will help you understand what is going on in the head of your spouse, what bothers him/her, it will help you to resolve and prevent conflicts and misunderstandings if they arise (the worst thing is to keep a grudge inside and let it destroy your marriage).
  6. Be silent. Sounds contradictory to what I’ve just said, right? If you and your partner argue (it happens to the best of us) then you are likely to say something that you do not really mean. When we are upset we tend to pick the most stinging words that can hurt your partner’s trust and faith in you permanently. I find that it is much better to be silent in these situations and to let both of us cool down a little bit. After the smoke has cleared and you can think rationally again you can talk the whole situation over and most likely you will find an easy solution or explanation that will satisfy both of you.
  7. Be equally responsible for the family and household. This is a tip for men. A lot of men mention that marriage kills romance and that their wives become less interested in sex and fun activities that they used to enjoy before. This is really true because a lot of women get so tied up in household problems and bringing up children (not mentioning the fact that a lot of women are also working at the same time) that they do not have any energy left for anything else.
    Most men still think that a woman is a 100% responsible for bringing up children and taking care of the household. How many men change about half the amount of diapers that women do? How much time do men spend with the children when the kids are in a bad mood? How often do men think about what to fix for supper or when to vacuum the house? If you are one of the men who does it all or is willing to do it all then your wife is (will be) a very happy woman (my husband is all I’ve just mentioned and even more :-) ). How would you expect a woman to think about a romantic night when she has been changing dirty diapers all day long and her personal time was limited to 5 minutes in the shower? A marriage puts a lot of responsibilities on both a man and a woman and if you want a happy and sexy wife then you need to give her some help and some free time.
  8. Smile and laugh together. According to a recent study people who smile a lot have lower rates of divorce. Researchers are not quite sure about the connection between smiling and happy marriages but having great time together and laughing a lot will help you become more positive about your relationship and life in general.

Here are 5 more rules that do not need any explanation in my opinion.

  1. Love each other
  2. Respect each other
  3. Support each other
  4. Understand each other
  5. Give to each other

A balanced and happy marriage is not a dream, it is a reality for me. I wish that more people could enjoy relationships that were satisfying and long-lasting at the same time. Do you have anything to add to this list? I am looking forward to your feedback.

Keep it balanced!

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July 22, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

20 Key Ideas For a Happy Marriage

1. Keep your mind on your main goal, which is to have a happy marriage. Say and do what will enable you and your spouse to have a happy marriage. Avoid the opposite. Everything else is commentary.

2. Keep asking yourselves, What can we do to have a happy, loving atmosphere in our home?

3.  Focus on giving, rather than taking. Say and do as many things as possible to meet your spouses needs.

4.  Keep doing and saying things that will give your spouse a sense of importance.

5.  Frequently ask yourself, What positive things can I say and do to put my (husband or wife) in a positive emotional state?

6.  Before speaking, clarify the outcome you want. The meaning of your communication is the response you actually get. If the first thing you say is not achieving your goal, change your approach. Remember that mutual respect and happiness is your real goal. Do not needlessly argue. Silence is often the wisest choice. Constantly be mutually respectful.

7.  Show appreciation and gratitude in as many ways as possible. Say something appreciative a few times a day.

8.  Be a good listener. Understand your spouse from his or her point of view.

9.  Be considerate of the feelings and needs of your spouse. Think of ways that you have lacked consideration and be resolved to increase your level of consideration.

10.  Instead of blaming and complaining think of positive ways to motivate your spouse. If your first strategies are not effective, think of creative ways.

11.  Give up unrealistic expectations. Do not expect your spouse to be perfect and do not make comparisons.

12.  Do not cause pain with words. If your spouse speaks to you in ways that cause you pain, choose outcome wording, Lets speak to each other in ways that are mutually respectful.

13.  Be willing to compromise. Be willing to do something you would rather not do in return for similar behavior from your spouse.

14.  Write a list of ways that you have benefited from being married to your spouse. Keep adding to the list and reread it frequently.

15.  Write a list of your spouses positive patterns and qualities. Keep adding to the list and read it frequently.

16.  Keep thinking about what you can do to bring out the best qualities of your spouse. Reinforce those qualities with words and action.

17.  Focus on finding solutions to any problems that arise. Be solution oriented. Do not just blame and complain. Do not focus on who is more wrong. For a happy marriage, work together to find mutually acceptable solutions.

18.  Remember your finest moments. What did you say and do when you felt best about each other? Increase them.

19.  Look for positive activities you can do together.

20.  Live in the present. What went wrong in the past is the past. You create the present and future with your thoughts, words, and actions right now. Choose them wisely.

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July 18, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

10 No-Fail First-Date Conversations

This may be advice for men, but women can follow all of these talking points, too!

So you finally gathered enough courage to go talk to the cute redhead who caught your eye, but your friends aren’t impressed just yet. You finally develop the backbone to ask her out, and now your friends are impressed.

They ask where you plan to take her out, and, more importantly, what you’re going to talk about on that nerve-racking first date. Your knees begin to tremble uncontrollably, but fear not! Read this list and you will have the girl begging for seconds.

10: Avoid her past
Generally speaking, one should never ask about past lovers on a first date. In fact, this should be avoided until she initiates the topic (if she ever does). She might have been hurt or may still be in love with her ex. You also prefer to start with a clean slate, so becoming chummy with her and comforting her about past mistakes may not be the greatest strategy on the first date.

9: Got any brothers or sisters?
Usually, a safe topic of conversation is asking about siblings (but don’t ask her if she’s got cute sisters). Asking about her parents could backfire if they divorced or separated, especially when she was very young. But sisters and brothers usually trigger good feelings and score points for you, since you’re showing a caring side and an interest in her family life.

8: Traveled anywhere special?
A tricky way to spark a girl’s interest is by asking about her past travel destinations and where she intends on visiting in the future. The upside is that if she mentions a spot she always wanted to visit, lo and behold, here comes the knight in shining armor (that’s you, boy) who offers to make her dreams come true one day by taking her there. This also provides each of you with some insight about the other’s cultural background and openness to new adventures.

7: Drinks, anyone?
A topic of conversation, especially if the date is taking place at a restaurant or bar, is the kind of food and drinks each of you prefers. Not only can you gauge whether or not you share culinary preferences, but the potential topics are endless and provide you with a safe topic of conversation — unless, of course, you are dating someone with an addiction to food or alcohol.

6: Any career plans?
Asking a girl about her past education and whether she intends on returning to school is admittedly a double-edged sword. She might love to go on and on about her numerous academic achievements, but she might break down and admit that her current job has absolutely nothing to do with what she studied. In either case, you are provided with a golden opportunity to reassure and encourage her with an abundance of compliments.

5: How’s your job?
If you are years removed from your college years, then talking about work and career goals just might be a safer topic. Admittedly, you shouldn’t let her go into the mundane details about how fed up she is with her life, which would explain why she’s on her seventh margarita. But generally speaking, people like to brag about work, no matter how routine it is. It also gives you an idea regarding whether or not you are dating a future CEO or a waitress for life (not that there is anything wrong with that, of course).

4: Got any friends?
Ask her about her friends. Even if you do not know them, she will love to tell you about her circle of friends, how much they mean to her and where she met them (and all of the things they did together). Don’t doze off, though, my good man; this is when you get precious details about her. If you ever make it further than the first date, her friends are usually the best source to unearth the skeletons in her closet.

3: Free time frolicking
Does she Rollerblade, collect stamps or dance? How about sports? What kind of music does she like? These are the questions you must ask to determine how much of a bond exists between the two of you. Moreover, you gain some insight to follow-up questions.

2: Weekend’s peakin’
Not only do you get a clearer picture of what life with her will be like after the honeymoon, but you are also sending mixed messages, which is not entirely bad at first. Yes, mind games are childish, but keeping your cards at your chest gives you leverage. She will ask herself: “Does he want to see me on weekends?”

1: Be bold and look ahead
Now, assuming she is having a good time and she is looking at you with that sparkle in her eye… in other words, if her body language is positive, you can look ahead and talk about other things you could do together in the future. Admittedly, you do not want to rush too far ahead and scare her off, but if she’s enjoying herself, chances are she’ll be curious to see what other great adventures you have in store for her.

Get Talking
Use these topic ideas as a general guide. Be sure to ask her lots of questions, but the key is to listen to her answers and form new questions around those. And remember: Don’t be nervous. See the first-date experience for what it is: A good time with some good company, and that’s all. This way, you’ll be able to relax and have fun.

June 21, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

10 Marriage Rules You Should Break

The two of you should do everything together; work out every disagreement (without actuallyfighting); spend every night in the same bed; and never, ever be bored. Say what?! These and other so-called “rules” for marriage need some serious debunking. And it’s not just because rules your mother may have passed on are outdated; some may be downright damaging. In fact, “breaking some marriage ‘rules’ may be the best thing you can do for your relationship,” says Barbara Bartlein, RN, MSW, psychotherapist and author of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? Here are 10 rules you can break with confidence.

1. Never go to bed angry. 
Where did this one come from? Turns out, it may go as far back as the Bible, which advises not letting the sun go down on your anger. But trying to work through a problem when you’re tired and stressed won’t get you anywhere, says Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD,psychologist and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness. “Agree to disagree for now, and to revisit the issue when you’re rested.”

2. Always be 100% honest. 
In marriage, no-holds-barred honesty is not always the best policy. For example, “you don’t need to share details of past relationships,” says Bartlein. “That invites comparisons, and when you compare, someone comes up short.” The bottom line: You need to be polite and caring when it comes to your partner’s feelings.

3. Never vacation without each other. 
The received wisdom here is that if you have time off from your jobs and lives, you should naturally prefer to spend it together. One problem with this rule is that you and your spouse may not have the same definition of a great getaway (you like to ski, he’s a beach bum). The other danger, says Dr. Lombardo, is the belief “that you have to be each other’s everything, and that’s just not realistic.” Sometimes, you need a spa weekend, and he may want to go camping (or vice versa). Just be sure that you don’t alwaystake off without each other.

4. If you fight, you’re headed for divorce. 
Actually, says Bartlein, research shows that couples who neverfight—assuming that means they’re holding back to avoid conflict—are more likely to split. You need to find ways to fight healthily and productively (without blaming, name-calling and the like), but that said, being committed to respectfully airing out conflicts is a far better rule than “keep your mouth shut.”

5. Once you have children, they come first. 
“So often, I see couples who have put their relationship on hold in order to be good parents,” says Dr. Lombardo. But those couples, she says, have it exactly backward. Making your relationship top priority is better not just for you, but for your children, who need to see you in charge and who feel safer and more secure with parents who have a loving relationship. “Create couple-only time during which you do not discuss bills or children, where you do fun activities and enjoy each other’s company.” The kids’ll be all right.

6. You should never sleep in separate beds. 
Um, snore much? It’s a myth that couples always sleep better and more cozily together than apart. One partner may be a toss-and-turner, or one may hit the hay early while the other keeps a reading light burning till the wee hours. So if one of you occasionally decamps to the guest room, don’t sweat it. “Getting a good night’s sleep is crucial to the health of your mind, body andmarriage,” says Dr. Lombardo. Just be sure a separate-bed habit isn’t about avoiding sex or physical intimacy.

7. Partners should sync up their hobbies. 
Though spending every free moment you have training for a marathon while your spouse works on his classic car isn’t good for your marriage, neither is subscribing to the notion you should quit doing what you love just because your husband doesn’t love the same things. Giving up your passions is akin to forgoing your independence, and “without independence in a marriage people feel trapped,” says Bartlein. Pursue your separate interests andfind activities you both enjoy.

8. If there’s no spark, you’re doomed. 
Many married couples understand intellectually that they won’t always experience that I’ve-been-drugged-by-love feeling in a long-term relationship. “But many still believe that when the spark dies out, it means they’re in the wrong relationship, and seek something new,” says Bartlein. Long-term relationships survive on commitment and trust, out of which grows love. The mistake here is to believe that you can live forever on fireworks, or even just love, alone.

9. Boring is bad. 
The problem with this so-called rule, says Bartlein, is when couples confuse a calm, predictable union with a bad one. A drama-filled relationship may feel exciting, but in the long run it’s not likely to be healthy. Isn’t it better, she says, to “boringly” know where your spouse is every night than to be “excited” by constant ups and downs? “Better to have a safe, relaxed, ‘boring’ life together in the everyday. You can always inject excitement with vacations and activities.”

10. You should have sex with your partner to make him/her happy. 
This may be a particular problem for women, especially new mothers. “Sex becomes yet another item on your to-do list, and you think you have to do it for the sake of your marriage, and the happiness of your spouse,” says Dr. Lombardo. While neither of those reasons is wrong, they shouldn’t be the only reasons. “Sex is for both of you.”

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May 20, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

21 Habits of Happy People

Happiness is one aspiration all people share. No one wants to be sad and depressed.

We’ve all seen people who are always happy – even amidst agonizing life trials. I’m not saying happy people don’t feel grief, sorrow or sadness; they just don’t let it overtake their life. The following are 21 things happy people make a habit of doing:

1. Appreciate Life

Be thankful that you woke up alive each morning. Develop a childlike sense of wonder towards life. Focus on the beauty of every living thing. Make the most of each day. Don’t take anything for granted. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

2. Choose Friends Wisely

Surround yourself with happy, positive people who share your values and goals. Friends that have the same ethics as you will encourage you to achieve your dreams. They help you to feel good about yourself. They are there to lend a helping hand when needed.

3. Be Considerate

Accept others for who they are as well as where they are in life. Respect them for who they are. Touch them with a kind and generous spirit. Help when you are able, without trying to change the other person. Try to brighten the day of everyone you come into contact with.

4. Learn Continuously

Keep up to date with the latest news regarding your career and hobbies. Try new and daring things that has sparked your interest – such as dancing, skiing, surfing or sky-diving.

5. Creative Problem Solving

Don’t wallow in self-pity. As soon as you face a challenge get busy finding a solution. Don’t let the set backs affect your mood, instead see each new obstacle you face as an opportunity to make a positive change. Learn to trust your gut instincts – it’s almost always right.

6. Do What They Love

Some statistics show that 80% of people dislike their jobs! No wonder there’s so many unhappy people running around. We spend a great deal of our life working. Choose a career that you enjoy – the extra money of a job you detest isn’t worth it. Make time to enjoy your hobbies and pursue special interests.

7. Enjoy Life

Take the time to see the beauty around you. There’s more to life than work. Take time to smell the roses, watch a sunset or sunrise with a loved one, take a walk along the seashore, hike in the woods etc. Learn to live in the present moment and cherish it. Don’t live in the past or the future.

8. Laugh

Don’t take yourself – or life to seriously. You can find humor in just about any situation. Laugh at yourself – no one’s perfect. When appropriate laugh and make light of the circumstances. (Naturally there are times that you should be serious as it would be improper to laugh.)

9. Forgive

Holding a grudge will hurt no one but you. Forgive others for your own peace of mind. When you make a mistake – own up to it – learn from it – and FORGIVE yourself.

10. Gratitude

Develop an attitude of gratitude. Count your blessings; All of them – even the things that seem trivial. Be grateful for your home, your work and most importantly your family and friends. Take the time to tell them that you are happy they are in your life.

11. Invest in Relationships

Always make sure your loved ones know you love them even in times of conflict. Nurture and grow your relationships with your family and friends by making the time to spend with them. Don’t break your promises to them. Be supportive.

12. Keep Their Word

Honesty is the best policy. Every action and decision you make should be based on honesty. Be honest with yourself and with your loved ones.

13. Meditate

Meditation gives your very active brain a rest. When it’s rested you will have more energy and function at a higher level. Types of meditation include yoga, hypnosis, relaxation tapes, affirmations, visualization or just sitting in complete silence. Find something you enjoy and make the time to practice daily.

14. Mind Their Own Business

Concentrate on creating your life the way you want it. Take care of you and your family. Don’t get overly concerned with what other people are doing or saying. Don’t get caught up with gossip or name calling. Don’t judge. Everyone has a right to live their own life the way they want to – including you.

15. Optimism

See the glass as half full. Find the positive side of any given situation. It’s there – even though it may be hard to find. Know that everything happens for a reason, even though you may never know what the reason is. Steer clear of negative thoughts. If a negative thought creeps in – replace it with a positive thought.

16. Love Unconditionally

Accept others for who they are. You don’t put limitations on your love. Even though you may not always like the actions of your loved ones – you continue to love them.

17. Persistence

Never give up. Face each new challenge with the attitude that it will bring you one step closer to your goal. You will never fail, as long as you never give up. Focus on what you want, learn the required skills, make a plan to succeed and take action. We are always happiest while pursuing something of value to us.

18. Be Proactive

Accept what can not be changed. Happy people don’t waste energy on circumstances beyond their control. Accept your limitations as a human being. Determine how you can take control by creating the outcome you desire – rather than waiting to respond.

19. Self Care

Take care of your mind, body and health. Get regular medical check ups. Eat healthy and work out. Get plenty of rest. Drink lots of water. Exercise your mind by continually energizing it with interesting and exciting challenges.

20. Self Confidence

Don’t try to be someone that you’re not. After all no one likes a phony. Determine who you are in the inside – your own personal likes and dislikes. Be confident in who you are. Do the best you can and don’t second guess yourself.

21. Take Responsibility

Happy people know and understand that they are 100% responsible for their life. They take responsibility for their moods, attitude, thoughts, feelings, actions and words. They are the first to admit when they’ve made a mistake.

Begin today by taking responsibility for your happiness. Work on developing these habits as you own. The more you incorporate the above habits into your daily lifestyle – the happier you will be.

Most of all: BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.

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May 15, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

How To Improve Marriage And Slow Down Life At The Same Time

Cappuccino

Everywhere you look, things are moving at a fast pace. Hurry up is a common phrase. When I want something, I want it right now. “What? You mean I have to wait 45 seconds for the book I just bought to download? Where’d I put the number for my Internet provider, I need a faster connection!”

The speed of life takes its toll on marriage and family as well. If your day is spent racing around from one thing to the next, it’s too easy to continue this pace when you arrive home each day.

If you feel like life is too fast, if there is no more room on the schedule for another thing to do, if the chaos of the world around you has caused you to create a life determined by others rather than yourself, and if you are desperately seeking a way to slow things down in order to breathe – then here’s a few suggestions to try.

  1. Take a walk. Make it a point each day to walk with your spouse and your kids. Spring is here in Texas so the weather gets better each day. Go outside and sit and observe the world around you. Walk and talk with your spouse.
  2. Walk or ride a bike to places you need to go. Some stores may be too far to walk, but not all. I love the times when my wife and kids and I walk or ride up to the grocery store or a restaurant for dinner. Sure it takes longer to get there, that’s the point. Enjoy the journey there together.
  3. Make it a point to eat outside often. There’s something about being in nature that allows you to slow down. Go to the park for a picnic, eat out in the backyard, or on the patio. Get outside.
  4. Find a moment alone each morning. Before you jump into the day, take some time to simply sit quietly. The longer the better. Enjoy a cup of coffee or tea. Breathe in and out, relax, meditate, pray. What better way to start each day?
  5. Don’t check email first thing in the morning. I struggle with this one the most. It’s such a routine to fire up the laptop first thing in the morning and check to see what’s going on with the blog, emails, etc. This allows too many other things to invade my life too soon in the day. Try waiting until 9 or 10 each morning to check email. That way the first part of the day can be spent on whatever is most important.
  6. Turn off all phones. At some point each evening, turn off your phones, or at the very least don’t answer them for a while and spend that time with your spouse and family. Play games, read together, talk.
  7. Color with crayons. This one is great if you have little ones around. There’s something magical about the feeling of coloring with crayons. Let yourself go and color. Don’t simply help your child with their coloring, color for yourself.
  8. Go on a media fast. We’ve been on a news fast for almost a year. Absolutely love it! Most everything reported today is negative, so why get caught up in it each evening? Don’t worry, with Google and Yahoo, you’ll still know the major things happening in the world.

I’m sure there’s more, add your ideas in the comments.

April 19, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

6 Tough Relationship Talks You Must Have

If communication is the key to happiness, then the ability to have tough conversations with your significant other may be the act that turns the key and unlocks the door to a lifetime of happiness. (I know, enough with the metaphors.) It’s true, though. I believe it’s virtually impossible to have a successful long-term relationship if the two of you can’t handle tough conversations.

The following article deals with six of those conversations, and provides men with the framework to successfully navigate through these inevitable discussions. Read. Comment. Share.  ____________________________

The STD Talk

She asks: “How many women have you slept with?”

You answer: “Thirty-six.”

Why that’s a mistake: Uh, hello, McFly, she wasn’t really asking how many women you’ve slept with. She was asking if you’ve ever been tested for sexually transmitted diseases. But now that you’ve answered truthfully, she’ll be sure to hold it against you.

What to say instead: “I’m not really into keeping score, but if you’re worried about STDs, I was tested last month”—or whatever the reality is—”and if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll see my doctor next week.” Then go. The more proactive you are, the more comfortable she’ll be and the better the sex will be. “The only way you’re going to enjoy sex is if you get this talk out of the way,” says Logan Levkoff, a sexologist and the author of Third Base Ain’t What It Used to Be.
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The Birth-Control Talk

She asks: “Did you bring a condom?”

You answer: “Why don’t you go on the Pill?”

Why that’s a mistake: You think you’re being honest and direct. She thinks you’re being selfish, and isn’t that just typical. Anger ensues. Sex doesn’t.

What to say instead: “Do you like how sex feels when I’m wearing a condom?” You do have a shot, because most women prefer sex au naturel, too. Take her answer as a jumping-off point to share your preferences. She’s not likely to say, “What a great idea. I’ll see my gynecologist tomorrow.” So be willing to shelve this discussion for a few months—and to try various types of condoms—while she determines whether you’re Pillworthy.
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The Where’s-This-Going? Talk

She asks: “Where’s this going?”

You answer: “Back off, man trap.”

Why that’s a mistake: You think she’s asking why you haven’t proposed. But she’s just wondering if you see her in your short-or long-term future. You feel cornered and storm out. She shatters a vase on the wall.

What to say instead: “Can we talk about this on Saturday?” You need to think about where the relationship actually is going. On Saturday, put all your thoughts and concerns on the table, says Janet Surrey, Ph.D., coauthor of We Have to Talk. Don’t worry about having all answers. She just wants you to think about the question. The one exception: If you don’t want the relationship to go farther, say so. She’s prepared for the worst, so she’ll take the news pretty well.
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The Sexual-Desire Talk

She says: “Let’s just snuggle tonight.”

You answer: “Why don’t you ever want to have sex with me?”

Why that’s a mistake: Guilt isn’t hot. Neither is selfishness. “Don’t make it seem like you’re only interested in getting what you want, even if you are,” says Surrey. If you become frustrated, she’ll become frosty.

What to say instead: “How would you like a massage?” She’ll know what your motive is, but since you’re putting her pleasure first, she’s more apt to overlook it. If she still wants only to sleep in your arms, let her. Then initiate sex in the a.m. Her testosterone spikes in the morning, and cuddling increases oxytocin, a hormone that makes her feel more amorous.
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The Money Talk

She asks: “Do you like my new shoes?”

You answer: “You really need more shoes?”

Why that’s a mistake: No, she didn’t need another pair of shoes, just like you didn’t need an iPhone. But she’s modeling them for you now, so get over it.

What to say instead: “They look great on you.” Then gently remind her about that trip you’re both saving for. “What leads to fighting is not being clear about financial goals,” says Sharon Epperson, author of The Big Payoff. If you haven’t agreed on what you’re saving for yet, take this as a sign you should start. Go over your budget at the start of every month, suggests Epperson. Along with long-term goals, it needs room for pleasure purchases like shoes and iStuff.
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The Room-to-Breathe Talk

She says: “I need some space.”

You answer: “Have a nice life.”

Why that’s a mistake: When a woman asks for space, she’s not dumping you. She just wants a few days to herself. Or . . . she’s testing you to see how invested you are in the relationship. If you bolt, you fail.

What to say instead: “Take as much space as you need.” Chances are she’ll clear her head, miss you, and end up calling within a week. During that time, put your thoughts about the relationship—the good and bad, and where you see it going—in a letter. “Writing it will allow you to gather your thoughts and convey to her how you truly feel,” says Surrey. Send the letter. She may not come running back to you, but at least you’ll have started the conversation.

April 1, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Top 10 Male Turn Ons

It is an undeniable fact that a man is powerless to the charms of a beautiful woman. All men, however, have a different definition of beauty. Regardless of how a man defines what he finds attractive in a woman, there are several common male turn ons that all men would agree to. The following is a list of the top ten male turn ons:

1. Women who leave something to the imagination

As unbelievable as it sounds, men often prefer to be teased with a little taste of what is to come. This would include a woman who dresses to show a little skin, but not too much. For example, a female who offers the slight glimpse of a thong or a bra strap is often more seductive than one who is scantily clad. Women who maintain a certain degree of class are always more attractive to men than women who openly share all their secrets!

2. She is not afraid to admit that she loves sex

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the act of sex, and there are fewer things more attractive to a man than a woman who can admit this! Many men have a major obsession with sex, so a sexually confident woman with a healthy sex drive is a big turn on for them.

3. She has a strong sense of self-esteem

It is said that the dream of all men is to have a woman at his beck and call; au contraire, most men are looking for a woman who can think for herself. Men are hugely turned on by a woman who believes in herself and has the confidence to speak her mind. Men tire easily of women who constantly need to be reassured. A woman with self-esteem is more challenging and keeps men on their toes!

4. She knows how to talk dirty

It may sound clich , but men love it when a woman talks dirty! For men, hearing a woman describe what she wants sexually is a turn on. Women who effortlessly talk dirty are exciting and hold the promise of amazing sex.

5. She loves her body

Men love to look at women’s bodies. It is no secret that men love a great pair of breasts or a lovely backside. Moreover, men love a woman who appreciates what she’s got and is not shy to show it. It is difficult to be turned on by a woman who is ashamed of her body, but a woman who embraces her attributes will always win the attention of eager men!

6. She has an accent

You have probably heard this one before and you may find it hard to believe, but true enough, an accent is a male turn on. Regardless of whether she is from Scotland or Spain, her accent will be perceived as exotic to a man. It is especially sexy when she is describing what she loves to do in bed!

7. She has a wicked sense of humor

A woman who can be funny is very attractive and approachable. Men are turned on by a witty woman; one who can dish it out as well as she can take it! A sense of humor adds playfulness to the relationship and always keeps them coming back for more!

8. She is adventurous

Women who are willing to try new things and live on the wild side will always win the attention of a man. Showing a free-spirited nature is sexy and a challenge for any man!

9. She is independent

Men do not like to think that every woman is seeking a lifetime commitment. Men are turned on by women who can have casual relationships, without attachment. An independent woman is self-sufficient and free to have fun!

10. She looks like a centerfold

We can all fantasize, can’t we? Men know that the majority of women do not look like Pamela Anderson, but that doesn’t keep them from wishing they could hook up with one who does.

March 31, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Spirituality Needs Love

Love needs another. Love is an open giving and receiving process that gets deeper only by letting go and going deeper. Love is a relationship, and a relationship in it’s highest form of two people losing themselves into each other into an everlasting love that is within each for themselves and the other. Less is unfulfilled love that leaves the being short of the blossoming of divine love, or love beyond that which comes, and goes with ‘conditions’.

Love in any degree or form may be part of keeping a marriage together for a ‘marriage marathon’ achievement of decades of survival. Love does not need closed contracts of agreements to live together ‘til death do we part’. On the other hand, love can flourish under many circumstances that have infinite descriptions. Staying together through thick and thin may likely have nothing to do with anything but a low level love of ‘ego commitment’.

Breaking through love’s socially accepted barriers enters a space of evolving into what could be referred to as a ‘spiritual realm of consciousness’. Love in it’s deepest mutual sense is the catalyst to deeper levels of insight, consciousness, spirituality or whatever identification that comes closest to describing it. Love is far more than a word that gets passed around as if to touch everything with it. Love to the ultimate degree passes through, and is reflected by the mirroring of another simultaneously and unbreakably.

Love is the movement of energy light into your being while awareness is the giving out of love in the reverse. Awareness is also being within yourself in absolute aloneness, and in a sense, a feeling in high consciousness without a relationship but one within. Both love and awareness open the being to a state of higher consciousness. Deep inner awareness facilitates the ability to love another with no limitations as well as love being an opening of awareness. One merges with the other moving one beyond the state of the ‘coma’ of normal humanity.

Love does not possess without diminishing it into a ‘conditional’, low energy love. Love needs freedom or space for each person. Freedom is more valuable than love, but needs to have love filled in the heart to be really free. Love is never a bondage but a necessity on the path of ‘self realization’. Love is not a goal but a journey. The love journey is the goal with the insights it brings to the changes and maturity within. Freedom enriches love and awareness that together bring more of each other.


March 31, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 60 Comments »

Best Romantic Ideas

1. Get tulips and attach this note: “I’ve got two-lips waiting for you!”

2. On a special occasion, buy your partner eleven real red roses and one artificial red rose. Place the artificial rose in the center of the bouquet. Attach a card that says:“I will love you until the last rose fades.”

3. If your partner is going away for a few days, tell her that you are worried about her so you have organized a bodyguard to look after her. Then give her a small teddy bear.

4. Write him/her a check for one million kisses.

5. Take a book that your partner is reading and using a pencil, underline letters in a section of the book she has yet to read to spell out a love letter. For example in any exert from a novel, you may underline the letters so that the underlined letters come together to spell out your secret message. That secret message may be “I love you” or “Honey, you are my life” or anything you want.

The underlined letters will make your partner curious and with a bit of luck she will write them down to decode your special message.

6. Buy a packet of glow in the dark stars and stick the stars on the roof above your bed to spell out a message such as “I Love You” When the lights go down, your message will be revealed!

7. Buy a tree with your partner and plant it in a special spot. Each year on your anniversary, have a glass of champagne next to your tree and talk about how your love and the tree have grown.

March 25, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

10 Basic Truths About Keeping Your Relationship Healthy

I think it’s easy to make things more complicated than they need to be. Here are some basic rules of the relationship road that will keep you headed in the right direction.

1. Successful relationships take work. They don’t happen in a vacuum. They occur when the couples in them take the risk of sharing what it is that’s going on in their hearts and heads.
2. You can only change yourself, not your partner. If you love someone and think that after a while he or she will alter behaviors you find uncomfortable, think again. If you want changes, put them on the table, so your partner knows what you need.
3. All arguments stem from our own fear or pain. When upset occurs, check out what’s going on inside you rather than getting angry with your partner. Truth is that we usually aren’t upset for the reasons we think we are.
4. Understand that men and women are very different. We’re not from Mars or Venus; we’re not even in the same solar system. Understanding and celebrating our differences will make living together more peaceful, interesting and fun.

5. Honor each other in some way every day. Every morning, you have the opportunity to make your relationship sweeter and deeper by recommitting to your mate. Feeling respected and cherished by the one you love makes life much nicer.
6. Anger is a waste of time. Anger also is a relationship killer because it makes you self-absorbed and won’t allow you to see the good. If you are annoyed with your mate, give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss what’s going on for you.
7. Get regular tune-ups. Go to a couples workshop, talk with a counselor or read a relationship book together at least once a year. Even if you don’t think that you need ideas, and the process alone will strengthen your connection.


8. Find a way to become and stay best friends. For some, this sounds unromantic, but for those who live it, most say it’s the best part of their time together.
9. Be responsible for your own happiness. No other person can make you happy. It’s something that you have to do on your own. If you feel that it’s your partner’s fault, think again, and look within to find out what piece may be missing for you.
10. Give what you want to get. Our needs change with time. If you’d like to feel understood, try being more understanding. If you want to feel more love, try giving more. It’s a simple program that really works.
There are no guarantees, but couples who practice these techniques have longer and stronger relationships than those who are not proactive in their love.

March 17, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

75 Ways to Show Love in Relationships

Laughing couple.

Image via Wikipedia

If you’re married or in a serious relationship, you’re no stranger to the phrase, “I love you.” You can say those 3 little words to your partner one million times, but we all know that it has to be followed up with action.

Showing love isn’t an exact science. We all speak different love languages, so you may show love in a way that your spouse doesn’t understand (and vice versa).  Well, it doesn’t have to remain that way.

Happy couples’ love for each other and dedication to the relationship lead to many adjustments in the way they show love to each other. If what you’re doing isn’t working for your relationship, it may be time to change your approach.  Use this list of75 ways to show love as a guide to loving your mate in a way that may save your relationship or just take it to a new level of awesomeness.

1. A kiss on the forehead
2. Uninterrupted quality time
3. A note under the pillow
4. Tell him when he looks masculine, sexy, or hot
5. Turn a regular day into an All-About-You day just for your mate
6. Breakfast served in bed
7. A romantic picnic indoors
8. An unexpected dinner cruise

9. Propose marriage on one knee
10. Don’t complain when he leaves the toilet seat up
11. A rose on the pillow
12. Tell her she’s beautiful
13. Pour on the chivalry (open doors, pull her chair out)
14. A bubble bath with rose petals and her favorite scented candles
15. Verbalize what your relationship means to you
16. Surprise her with her favorite flowers and candy
17. An “I love you because…” list
18. PDA (public displays of affection)
19. Heart shaped pancakes or cookies
20. A walk in the park together
21. Hold your beloved a little tighter and longer than usual
22. Do some of his/her chores
23. A handwritten card sprayed with your scent
24. Spoil each other
25. Renew your marriage vows
26. Be first to say “I’m sorry” after an argument
27. Personalize (i.e. engrave) gifts
28. Place an “I love you” flyer under the car’s windshield wiper
29. Send a surprise gift to his/her workplace
30. Support each other’s dreams
31. Make love slowly, passionately
32. Run his bath water
33. Give your spouse space when needed
34. Buy her feminine hygiene products (before she asks)
35. Bring him a cold beer while he watches football
36. Put a love note in her purse

37. Hold hands

38. Take showers together and wash each other’s back (or whole body)
39. Look deeply into your lover’s eyes
40. Always kiss goodbye and goodnight
41. Boast about your mate and your relationship to mutual friends
42. Arrange for a babysitter so you can have an unexpected date night
43.  Say how much you love each other even if you think it’s known
44. Use cute pet names for each other
45. Rub your noses together
46. Remember to say thank you (often)
47. Excuse each other’s mistakes
48. Meditate together
49. Sleep in his t-shirt
50. Wash her hair
51. Step outside of traditional gender roles to help each other (Cook dinner for her; take the trash out for him)
52. Verbally reassure your lover
53. Take photographs as a couple
54. Give up the last piece of food on your plate
55. Write a short fairy tale using you and your mate as the characters (Once upon a time…”)
56. Listen more intently
57. Flirt with each other
58. Sing your significant other a love song
59. Get up early to help him/her get ready for work
60. Say “I adore you”
61. Watch a chic flick with her
62. Kiss your mate somewhere you never thought to kiss before (i.e. elbow, knee, toe)
63. Initiate affection (hugs, kisses, spooning)
64. Take good care of yourself so that you’re at your best for the one you love
65. A handmade gift or card
66. Write a sweet message on a fogged-up mirror so he/she will see it after exiting the shower
67. Cook your significant other’s’ favorite meal
68. Feed each other chocolate covered strawberries
69. Cuddle by the fireplace
70. Laugh and have fun with each other
71. Rub his/her feet
72. Create a scrapbook together
73. Start a hobby together
74. Dance indoors to your favorite song
75. Ask about each other’s day

Healthy relationships survive because both partners keep trying. They know the secret–that love is a verb. Loving your spouse or lover means taking action to help keep love (the feeling) alive and flourishing.

What are some of your favorite ways to show love? What are some ways you’d like your partner to show love? Do you agree that love (the action) is as important as love (the feeling).

March 15, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments »

Relationship Rules

Human beings crave intimacy, need to love and be loved. Yet people have much trouble doing so.

It’s clear from the many letters I get that lots of folks have no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like. Because I care about these things, and care about the environments children grow in, I’m using this space as an attempt to remedy the problem—again.

From many sources and many experts, I have culled some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it’s a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door. I won’t test you on them—but life will.

  • Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.
  • Know your partner’s beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don’t want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they’ll create it where it doesn’t exist.
  • Don’t confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
  • Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
  • Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.
  • View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences.
  • Know how to manage differences; it’s the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don’t sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.
  • If you don’t understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don’t assume.
  • Solve problems as they arise. Don’t let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.
  • Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people’s needs are fluid and change over time, and life’s demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
  • Listen, truly listen, to your partner’s concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner’s perspective as well as your own.
  • Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn’t happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn’t an end goal; it’s a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.
  • Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you’re both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
  • Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
  • Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams

March 6, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

75 Lessons that MUST be Learned in Relationships

  1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
    If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
  2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
  3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man’s character, leave him alone.
  4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
  5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be.
  6. Don’t force an attraction.
  7. Slower is better.
  8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
  9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can’t “be friends.” A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.
  10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don’t let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.
  11. Don’t settle.
  12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
  13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship–take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?
  14. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
  15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren’t involved in a whole lot of mess.
  16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
  17. There’s only one ‘reason’ a man dumps you; he doesn’t want you.
  18. Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
  19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
  20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.
  21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
  22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
  23. Like from the show Sex and the City, if he doesn’t call, he just isn’t that interested.
  24. Be honest and upfront.
  25. Know when to cut the cord, don’t be strung along.
  26. Don’t fall for the “I’m confused role”. Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don’t wait for him, move on).
  27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).
  28. There’s more than physical abuse, there’s emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them…flee.
  29. You cannot change a man’s behaviors. Change comes from within.
  30. Don’t let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself — double-standard.
  31. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…even if he has more education or in a better job.
  32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
  33. Demand respect and if he can’t give it, he can’t have you!
  34. Don’t compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.
  35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he’s lying, let him go.
  36. Actions speak louder than words.
  37. Never let a man define who you are.
  38. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.
  39. Never borrow someone else’s man.
  40. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.
  41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn’t mean that he won’t hurt you and it doesn’t mean that you are meant to be with him.
  42. To use painful hard-won wisdom — ‘get it right’ the next time.
  43. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the No.1 person in your life.
  44. Love is a verb …
  45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable-available, someone ungiving-giving, and someone unloving-loving.
  46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
  47. All men are NOT dogs.
  48. You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is a two way street.
  49. If you don’t love self…you can’t love anyone else.
  50. You cannot mend someone else’s broken heart.
  51. You need time to heal between relationships…there is nothing cute about baggage…deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
  52. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you…a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals…look for someone complementary…not supplementary.
  53. Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.
  54. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.
  55. Never become your man’s “therapist”.
  56. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.
  57. A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end it – but it takes two to make it work.
  58. Don’t fall for the “I’m not the loving type”…when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn’t do for you.
  59. Make him miss you sometimes…when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him he takes it for granted.
  60. Give him his space…let him go out with his boys, don’t pressure him to spend time with you, You cant force a man to hang out with you.
  61. If you wouldn’t allow your daughter to be with him you shouldn’t.
  62. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
  63. Never move into his mother’s house.
  64. Provide financially for yourself and don’t depend on anyone.
  65. Never co-sign for a man.
  66. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.
  67. Never spoil your man; let him spoil you.
  68. Never let a man mess up your credit.
  69. When it’s time to let go; let go.
  70. Good men should be treated like good men.
  71. Don’t play games.
  72. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.
  73. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
  74. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status, are important.
  75. Never date a guy who wears color contact lens.

March 5, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

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