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Top Ten Self-improvement Objects in the way You Need to Cope With

Lists

Self-improvement may include anything, from providing up cigarette using tobacco to using the addiction of spending budget. However, the self-improvement objectives are not that easy to obtain. Your own thoughts may put a variety of obstructions in your direction. It is a well-known proven reality that an personal making initiatives for self-improvement is often frustrated by his or her own ideas and routines. The first thing should be to observe down these constraints and understand how to cope with them. Here is a conversation on the 10 typical self-improvement obstructions you need to cope with.

Habit of Postponing

The most usual obstacle is the habit to postpone the self-improvement efforts. The efforts for whatever change you wish to bring in your life should begin today itself. Delaying the things may put your interest off and you may never be able to start. For instance, if you wish to leave cigarette smoking, you must start practicing the right techniques like hypnosis from today onwards.

Habit of Acceptance

The efforts towards improvement often take the backseat if you accept that the things are not going to change. Don’t believe that the present circumstances can’t be improved at any cost. Remember that it is you who will evaluate your situation and take the decision to improve or not. Get out of the boundary of accepting the things easily and challenge yourself that you want to bring the change in order to improve your life.

To Do Lists Don’t Work

Many people fail to maintain schedule which is another common hindrance in the direction of self-improvement. This happens because of the general notion that to do lists don’t work at all. The fact is that scheduling and following the schedule religiously is one great step to achieve the improvement goals. In fact, planning a schedule will help you spare quality time for many more things that will make you happy and motivated.

Self-improvement Is Not for Me

People have the tendency to forget one of the most important facts of life that nobody in this world is perfect. You can keep on moving on the path of self-improvement to make your life better and better. Thinking that self-improvement is only for losers is actually depriving you from leading a life better than your present day living. For instance, if you don’t know swimming, just think how learning this exercise can improve your lifestyle.

Keeping It a Secret

It is a typical perception of individuals that it is better to keep the self-improvement initiatives a key from others. Some individuals never like others to know that they are going through weight-loss workouts. This form of considering can deny you from useful reviews that you must obtain from individuals around you. Keep in mind that getting your self-improvement activities evaluated by others will increase your assurance and encourage your further.

Self-improvement if Expensive

Many people never start with self-improvement initiatives, considering that it will include a lot of money. The truth is that you can always search for beneficial options that can help you in enhancing your life without strenuous big money. Even your buddies can help you by indicating some useful ways of self-improvement. You never have to shell out on many guides and programs for the objective of enhancing. Invest some time to discover one or two good guides or video clips that you discover value investing on.

Habit of Binding

People by characteristics are limited to develop within the relaxation areas of their specific societies. However, you can carry enhancement in lifestyle by studying new elements owed to various other societies. The best example would be to understand a new terminology that will add considerably to your understanding. Furthermore, you can increase further by studying a bit of different way of lifestyle.

Boring and Time Consuming

Upgrades in lifestyle may take several days or several weeks to display. This is a reality against what the so-called self-improvement professionals declare to carry up the changes in a couple several days. And, it is a frustrating believed for many individuals. You have to think this way that your lifestyle is going towards enhancement and you have to savor this modification. It is value knowing that this voyage for enhancement will be thoroughly pleasant.

Only Big Changes Lead to Improvement

Big changes do account for larger upgrades, but small changes are similarly significant. Many people immediate their initiatives to obtain big changes only, without acknowledging the value of the small steps. For example, if you start going for a day move daily, it will add to your time and effort of reaching health.

More Thoughts Fewer Efforts

Lastly, it is another element of people instinct that initiatives actually created towards self-improvement does not have behind the ideas of enhancement. In other terms, good considering alone cannot help you obtain the self-improvement advantages. You will have to create initiatives to recognize these ideas.

You will definitely link with many of these self-improvement obstructions. Give your best taken to get rid of these constraints and provides your 100% to increase for better.

Originally Posted by: Self Improvement Bible

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March 15, 2012 | Categories: Self Improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

How To Maintain A Relationship

“When it comes to love, do not fall, but go, go with the idea that we must love yourself before loving another. It is imperative that trust before it can absolutely trust another and Most importantly, you must accept your flaws before accepting the shortcomings of another. “
Remember the last time you got in a fight or an argument with your partner? Was not it frustrating? Was not it painful? Was it necessary? What can we do to handle these situations without ruining our relationship?Relationships with spouses and girl / boy-friends can be one of the most rewarding of our lives. We keep a special place, someone with whom we shared many moments of joy. Personality differences are inevitable, and what makes us unique as individuals, can lead to disagreements and conflicts during the relationship.When these disagreements are not properly understood and managed emotionally, exchange banal mix full of fighting, and perhaps the end, what we have spent months or years to build.Yes, there is a relationship in which the figures are incorrect, and breaks are useful. However, many cracks are useless, as a result built on cycles of hatred and destruction. When they occur, we will experience tremendous pain and emotional hurt.To deal with our partners to increase awareness and a genuine desire to understand, we believe that the key to the welfare of these special reports.
Truth:::::::-

Before digging the ways in which we can overcome, disagreements and fights on the relationship issues, we give more detail what happens when you’re in this state of discomfort. Here are some insights into our discussion, we observed patterns.

Play a crying baby - We are becoming a baby. At any time during a fight, one of us is calm, while the other becomes a baby. This person becomes irrational, severe emotional, whiny and defensive. They say things they later regretted. When the baby finally expressed, it rises gradually becoming the clams, and changes the role of the other person becomes the crying baby.
Attention, appreciation, thank you - When we fall in the state crying baby, we’re really looking for attention, recognition, appreciation and care. The root of our emotional response when we are in this state seeks reinforcement of why we care.
Selfish and authoritarian - When our inner child we subsume, we are selfish and egocentric. We can not understand why our partner is not sympathetic. The more we try to express ourselves, the less they seem to connect what bothers us. In this state, we lack the ability to consider the feelings of our partner, and forget that they are injured.
Victim mentality - When we become a baby, we feel that we offer. Our minds are focused on finding evidence to support our story victim. By doing this, the other person is unreasonable. When we find our evidence, we begin to play scenes of ourselves as a sacrifice, and we play it repeatedly. We feel the pain in our hearts and we are looking for more pain and multiple causes of pain. To some extent unconsciously, we take this pain, because it allows us to play the role of victim, why feed our fear that life is full of painful relationships and no one really understands us.
 Right and wrong - At first glance, the battle comes down to who is right. We believe that we are right and we must prove that the other person is wrong. The disagreement quickly turns into a battle of egos. In this state, we have a strong desire to demonstrate to the other person that we are right after all.
Bottled Emotions - How the baby crying, we give a purely selfish thoughts that arise in our mind. Bottled emotions deep within us because those thoughts, but they are often linked to the situation. Take your emotions bottled does not mean that we can communicate our feelings. Often we are not even aware of these feelings until they manifest in our lives. For example, go and watch a movie, but we wanted to go see the movie first, then unconsciously sabotaging the film with a hiking problem complain of a bad place, or complain that the bus ticket is too long.
Alternative concept - We collect words expressed by the other person jump to conclusions and assume the worst. We find a way that serves us, but it is not the true meaning of their words for now. We say that this importance is the absolute sense and is final and permanent. The truth is that when we are irrational, we say all sorts of things that we do not go out with increased emotion.
Gender - men are so sensitive and emotional than women. The difference is in how men and women to express themselves, and this is often misunderstood. Here are some differences that we observe. Consider the following three things when playing: 1.) I am aware that this is a generalization, so bear with me. 2) When I say “women”, I mean the feminine qualities and trends of sex change. Similarly, when I speak of “men”, I mean masculine qualities. It is possible that a woman more traditionally masculine qualities and vice versa. 3) I’m using a few men and women in the examples, but applies to same-sex couples as well.
As women tend to hide our thoughts. When we are upset about something, it is assumed that the other person is a mind reader to know exactly what we think, without telling them. We took advice on being angry and frustrated. This is very frustrating for men (or women of other) because they want to help but can not seem to go anywhere and can not understand why we are so bad. In view of our partner does not pick up on our rates, we have even more angry and hurt.
That men, who tend to be more verbal, we think out loud. We internalize some or all of our feelings, our thoughts are externalized through speech or writing. Because we talk about our thoughts, often have problems with women in our lives, as they may be affected by what we say. The company has trained to be an alpha male ego, which acts as a barrier to defend the integrity and strength of character. The force that defines us and our thoughts, keeping our less-than-rock-steady guarded emotions. In fact, we are very perceptive and sensitive than society gives us credit for. It’s easy to feel that our women are not happy and want to help their new happiness. But she is still upset and are supposed to be mind readers. We do not know what you think. It is very painful. We want to say just exactly what we can do to be happy again.
Solutions
It is inevitable that members have different opinions and everyone has days when emotions can get the best of them. The problem is not that we have conflicts with our partner, the problem is how to handle the situation. When our egos in the way, our mind is clouded and you end up making a mountain out of a molehill.Some of us use these conflicts as an opportunity to respond: Is my relationship stronger than the problem? They use this as a way to measure the stability of relations. They can not see this issue in itself the causes of conflict, because it requires a comparison. Instead, a more efficient matter is: Are we mature enough as people to resolve conflicts with care, attention and grace?
Here are some tips that have proven effective in our relationships:

1. Awareness - To raise awareness of the situation. Become an observer of your thoughts, your feelings, your needs and your ego. Ask yourself
  • What I want right now?
  • Do I want my heart or filtered by my ego?
  • Do I want to help me become a better person?
  • I want to get that bring happiness and satisfaction for myself and those around me?
  • What are the most important aspects in my life? Is that between my values?
2. Express, do not remove - to speak frankly and freely. Yes, the truth may hurt, but if you are responsible for your words and speak with respect of the other person, honesty and sincerity of their message shines through. The other person deeply thank you for it. Honestly, not only frees up your mental load, but also contributes to mutual understanding.
3. Acknowledge your baby’s crying - to bring awareness of a situation, we will improve on the recognition that our partner is in the baby’s crying. When a baby is very beneficial if you remain calm. Do not take what they say personally in this state do not think so.
4. How to relieve baby - crying baby The state is a condition of origin. We become irrational and unreasonable. We feel that we are a small child cries for attention again. In this spirit, our partners can do to reassure us when we are in a way baby? Sit down with your partner beforehand to discuss openly what would make them feel better when they state that baby? For example, to calm the child in me I would be held and caressed. To reassure the child of Adam, he wants to focus on deep breathing to get out of this mindset. What reassures the child in you?
5. Pattern Interrupt - When we repeatedly do something, it becomes a habit. Instead of succumbing to a pleasant act does not give you the desired result, disrupt this pattern by doing something (shocking) independent or random. When you feel down in a negative spiral, get up and do 10 jumps with exaggerated movements, making faces, doing a happy dance around the room. This will help you bounce out of the state of mind.
6. “Look into my eyes” - If you can see that your partner is in a state of irrational, or a child is upset, ask them to look into the eyes, even for only 30 seconds. When they look into your eyes, look back in their eyes and imagine to spend an infinite amount of love for them. Through their eyes, looking for their soul. You can be upset too, just to get to the moment, take a few deep breaths and just focus on their eyes and how beautiful they are.
7. Breathing - Close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing. Take a few deep breaths and continue to breathe normally. Continue to do this for at least 5-10 minutes. Draw your attention in your lungs expand and contract. Feel the energy in the air brings. When you change your focus, you will need to change your thinking.
8. Ask yourself: ”Am I saying that I might win the battle?” – If the answer is yes, ask yourself to win this battle will make a difference in your life in 40 years? What about tomorrow?
9. Ask yourself: “What about me I do not like?” - Often, the arguments that we get are simply an extension of ourselves, if we realize that we at a later date. When we are quickly jumping to judge others, we are actually projecting that we do not like that person. observe our thoughts and behaviors toward others can expose our own insecurities about the subject.
10. Try different shoes - Imagine yourself in the shoes of your partner. To the best of your ability, to feel the pain the other person feels. How does it feel? What is the new perspective is that? After a few seconds, pretending that “we” does not exist, and that you are in the other person. The experience of their words and feelings as your own. This simple exercise will help give you the compassion and consideration for the other point of view.
11. “What made me feel.” - After having informed the angles, always talking about how something that made you feel. Example: “When I heard of you, made me feel that I was not important” .. Disclosure of how each of us feel rather than think about what they have done evil, to reduce their instinctive need to feel defensive. When people do not have any of the fence, are more likely to listen and be ready to solve the problem.
12. Step Out, Cool Off - Going to a different room, separated from him a moment to step back and clear. Do some deep breathing exercises. Re-group and become aware of the situation. Retrieve a clear understanding of what is most important to you, and re-evaluate whether the “war” worth fighting.
13. Listen - Listen to the other person. Really listen. Give them the respect they want, give them the opportunity to express themselves without judging them. Delivery time and just be there. Listen as if listening to yourself. Listen to them in the way you want to be heard.
14. Accept and forgive - Remember that inside we’re all good people. In fact, we are all born innocent, loving, kind and generous. Look, like you, that the light in yourself.
15. Apologies & Tell - say sorry and show that you understand and explain why you feel it. Do not be shy or let your pride get in the way. Life is short, do the right thing rather than good for your ego.
16. Abandon the defensive - to give up the need to be defended. Listen when the other person to express their feelings. Do not treat the words as a criticism, to listen to acceptance and a genuine desire to love them. This is not a power struggle, is a conversation. The expression of your feelings and needs of their partners do not have anything to do with you. And do not tell other people, “stop being so defensive.”
17. Focus on what they have done well - when we are angry with our partners, we tend to focus on what they have done wrong, and we believe that the characteristics of the defects of character. “What we focus on expands.” And these features confirm the most we focus on them. This in turn makes us even more upset. Concentrate on what he has done the right thing. Concentrate on the things that you love them. Focusing on the beautiful features that make them unique.
18. Stop finger - Investing guilty of fighting for survival. It is a natural progression for us to blame the incident and the comfort of the United Nations of other people or events that surround us. I too have done many, many times. At the end of the day, the only thing we can control ourselves, and our reactions to life situations. Can we really blame others for our unhappiness? Instead, look at ourselves and what we can do proactively to transfer our thoughts and understanding of the situation so that we can be happy? As one of my favorite quotes wisely says: “We can not control the wind, but we can control the sails.” So true.
19. Gratitude - I’ve always found it useful when you are depressed and argumentative to focus on the blessings in my life. By changing our focus, we can change our state of being away and continue to feel unwell. List of things they are thankful for today, close your eyes and thank all the parts of your body to function without end, to enjoy his life, a journal of all things they are thankful for today ‘Today or read a newspaper in his old list of gratitude.
20. Building a strong sense of self-esteem - I believe that the uncertainties arising from reports are the result of the uncertainties we have with ourselves. We must love ourselves before we can truly accept love from others. Set aside time to build relationships with ourselves, and in this process, we find that our uncertainties are persistent and end up falling in love with ourselves. Do not you fall in love so ego driven, but in the same way we experience the love and connection to all beings. Go to holiday, to spend time with yourself, you appreciate it, do the things that feed your soul. What is the love that you wish you could do more? For me, that reads.
What worked for you when dealing with those awkward moments in a relationship? What is your ideal perfect relationship?
Share your thoughts in the comments

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October 8, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Makes A Relationship Great

Why are some couples happier than others? What is the “secret” for a great relationship? With certain couples it is clear there is something about the way they interact that makes it obvious they have a unique and genuine connection.

Even if you’re in a good relationship, you can’t help but wonder: What do they know that I don’t? And if you’re single, you might look at these couples and attribute it all to chemistry or destiny. But it turns out that people in great relationships live by a few basic rules and they make these rules a priority in their day-to-day lives together. Consider these habits that can help you create a strong, nurturing relationship.

  • Great relationships are based on realistic expectations
  • Great relationships take work and thoughtfulness every day
  • Great relationships need communication know-how
  • Great relationships turn negatives into positives

Great relationships are based on realistic expectations

Forget what you see in the movies or on television. In other words, real relationships aren’t anything like what you see in the movies full of non-stop romance, candlelight dinners and whirlwind trips to exotic locations.

Real relationships take effort, time and commitment. Great relationships just don’t happen because two people love each very much, great relationships happen because not only do two people love each other very much, they also value one another and are willing to make an investment of time into the relationship – day after day.

Couples in healthy and positive relationships have a fundamental understanding of the proper and appropriate expectations for a stable and long-lasting relationship. They understand that not all days will be full or passion and romance. Similarly, they understand that rough spots in a relationship may only be temporary if good communication is present to work through these times.

A good way to look at this is to consider not getting too excited with the very high “highs” or too concerned with the very low “lows.” Both are momentary at best, and will not define the true nature and scope of the relationship over a long period of time. By reframing these extremes, you will be left with the right measure of balance and the right set of expectations to build a quality and sustainable relationship for many years to come.

Great relationships take work and thoughtfulness every day

People who are in successful relationships work on these partnerships regularly. They don’t just set their life on cruise control expecting things to be great all of the time. Ask yourself, “What can I do today to make my partner’s life better?” Little bits of effort every day will accumulate over time and make a big difference.

Think of small, specific ways to make your relationship better whether it’s picking up your loved one’s dry cleaning, telling your partner that you’re proud of him or her, or taking over a task he or she really doesn’t like to do.

You should make an effort every day to deposit at least one act of thoughtfulness into your relationship’s bank account. Your goal, however, should not be to make a huge withdrawal at the end of the week. Your only goal should be to keep giving the things your mate wants – either his or her expressed and unexpressed wants. If there are actions you can take to make your partner’s day more convenient and less stressful, then do them. But, again, don’t do them for what you could gain by providing them.

Great relationships need communication know-how

It may look as if people in great relationships intuitively know what their partners need. But the truth is, no one is a mind-reader so don’t expect your partner to be able to figure out how you’re feeling.

When things aren’t perfectly in sync, couples in this kind of relationship know how to communicate. They know that instead of giving their partner a laundry list of what he or she is doing wrong, they can be specific about what it is that they want. They also make an effort to discover what their partner’s needs are. The best way for most people to do this is talk about it.

Ask your partner what things are really important to him or her. Does he want to know you’re proud of him? Does she need to be able to express her sadness over a family or work-related situation without hearing how she ought to handle it?

Too often we get into the habit of coaching and not listening. The best way to let your partner know you are listening is to ask how she or he “feels” about the situation. Once they begin sharing, your job is simply to shut-up and listen. Offer acknowledgments and affirmations from time-to-time to demonstrate you are engaged with what is being said. Only give your opinion or advice if asked.

Great relationships turn negatives into positives

You may have heard the expression: “When you are given lemons – make lemonade.” Overtime, relationships are handed several lemons. The sources for negative feelings and unbalance are numerous. Some are directly caused between both people because of poor or missing communication. Indirect sources of anxiety in a relationship can be work- related or financially based.

When the interpersonal aspect of the relationship is creating the negativity, consider this simple exercise. First, you and your partner must be open to honest feedback. Next, ask your partner this question: “On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate our relationship (keep in mind the word “relationship” can be substituted for intimacy; support of one another, etc.).

Allow your partner time to reflect and provide an honest reply. If the answer is “Seven,” ask this follow-up question: “What are three things I can do to get our relationship to a ten (if the answer is “six,” you would ask for four things, etc.)? Again, give your partner time to consider their response. It may be hard to listen, because the answers may sound critical and negative. But really, the answers are solutions to turn the negatives into positives.

There is one more critical part of this exercise. After your partner is finished and you have taken in and acknowledged the areas for improvement, ask this question: “What are three (or whatever the number needs to be) things you can do to get our relationship to a ten?”

By asking this follow-up question, it’s putting the relationship back on equal footing and back into the spirit of a true partnership. Except for certain extreme and unfortunate examples, most relationships are successful, or not successful, because of the contributions and efforts of both. Take an honest look at how you are contributing to any negative circumstances, but also be aware it does take two to make it work and to create a more positive and healthy relationship.

When lemons drop from the trees, but you and your partner were expecting apples, begin to make lemonade by creating an action list of what you both can do to get apples next time.

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August 20, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

15 Voiceless Mistakes Peoples Make in Relationships

One of my friends recently asked his girlfriend, “What’s one dumb thing I do in the relationship?” She looked at him in shock, “Where do I begin? If it has to be one, I’d just say you can be a real ****.” “What! How dare you. Now it’s my turn,” he replied. A dam wall of topics the couple needed to talk about freely gushed into the open. An hour later they finished talking.

We make many dumb relationship mistakes, which I have noticed after years of study and observing communication and human behavior, that all cannot be listed here. I use the term “dumb” not to put people down, but only because a lot of people repeat the same blunders. Put an end to these 15 relationship mistakes, in no particular order:

1. Withhold Feelings

Men are more guilty than women in withholding feelings from their partner. If something ticks men off, they may hide their irritation instead of revealing what it is that annoyed them. Women are indirectly guilty of this relationship mistake. While women are more emotional than men, they withhold feelings in the sense that they blame or criticize others to indirectly express their emotions. “I hate you for…!” is not an example of expressing your feelings. An expression of emotion is, “I feel sad about…” “I’m feeling happy you…” “I am angry!”

2. Reject Emotions

We may withhold feelings from someone because we reject our emotions. It is uncomfortable for most people to feel guilt, shame, anger, sadness, and even love so they reject these emotions by thinking positively or generally suppressing them. You feel whatever you do for a reason – accept it. Your relationships deteriorate if you suppress anger, for example, because you will resent and behave bitterly with people.

3. Blame

The failure to healthily express emotion can show itself through blame, a common relationship mistake. Look at an argumentative couple to see each person blaming the other for relationship problems. Neither acknowledges imperfection, preferring to be right. Each person thinks people ought to change instead of taking the responsibility for self-change. Victimization is a relationship mistake unhealthy for either person.

4. Gossip

People gossip about their relationships mainly for self-pity. They seek validation that the other person is to blame for relationship problems. If you have a relationship problem, talk with the person you share the problem with and stop complaining about it to your friends or coworkers. The other person is not the cause of your suffering; you are because of your ignorance to the problem through gossip. If a gossiper just turns the mirror on himself, he would realize the rumors hurt his relationships. A gossiper is no better than the originator of the problem. Neither roles create resolution – both compound it.

5. Interpret Behaviors Negatively

“Give people a margin-for-error because you don’t know every detail.”

A gossiper is one example of a person that blames others and interprets their behaviors in a negative light. Each little behavior signals a conspiracy against the cynic. If you think your husband is having an affair, anything he does will be filtered through that perspective.

Give people a margin-for-error because you don’t know every detail. Each of us hold a piece of truth discoverable through communication. The best way to resolve your worries is to ask the person by showing interest in their life.

6. Show A Lack of Interest

Do you know what happened to your partner today? When was the last time you watched a friend play their weekly sport? When did you last ask what someone did at work? Get curious about people’s lives by asking a lot of questions and displaying attentive body language. Communication often lacks in relationships because neither person takes the initiative to learn about the other person. Interest in people’s lives makes them feel important, builds the relationship, and teaches you a lot of great stuff in the process. Think of something a person important to you enjoys then go do it with them. You may even want to take up a new hobby together like dancing or yoga.

7. Exert Excessive Control

We hate being controlled and told what to do. The worst managers micro-manage, dictating employee behavior. Many angry employees echo similar remarks.

The greatest leaders give team members freedom. The same is true in families and interpersonal relationships. If you order your teenage daughter to not smoke, research shows she is more likely to smoke. One study that looked at how values transmit through families found that children with authoritative parents have different values to them. When the parents are supportive rather than restrictive, the children agree and accept similar values.

8. Try to Change People

Whenever we try to change people, whether it be through manipulation, criticism, orders, threats, or rewards, they take on strange behavior. Do a test in a safe environment. Intentionally tell someone what they are doing is wrong and the person could not change, become suddenly quiet, resent you, gossip about you, or purposefully do what you said not to do. We always try to change people, but rarely succeed.

9. Remain Unchanged

We expect people to change while we remain unchanged. Rigid perspectives on money, family, work, emotion, and the relationship creates severe friction that can destroy a relationship. “If my coworker stopped…then I’d be able to…” “If my son stopped…then I could…” “My partner should…then I’d feel…” I’ll give you an if-statement to remember: if you don’t change, you have no right to expect people to change.

10. Keep One’s Point of View

“It is logically and mathematically irrational to conclude one can be right 95% of the time.”

What is your honest estimate of the percentage you think you are right in an argument? 80? 90? 100%? I estimate most people say 95%. That means a fighting couple’s righteousness totals 190%, a formula for conflict. It is logically and mathematically irrational to conclude one can be right 95% of the time. We are not divine beings knowing of truth.

Each of us possess the truth that we must be flexible enough to explore. The cure to any couple’s problem is held by each person because their point of view is 50% of the relationship.

11. Deny Flaws to Show Perfection

Because we don’t change and like to keep our original point of view, we deny flaws and show perfection. When a mistake arises, we freeze about being found out. A simple sit-down discussion where the two of you each admit three flaws about yourselves helps keep destructive perfection at bay while encouraging growth. You do not fear imperfection when mistakes are encouraged to surface.

12. Absence of Admiration

Relationships are easy to take for granted. We devalue what we have while desiring what is out of our reach. Put some effort into the relationship. You can show people you value the relationship with them through admiration. Give a compliment. Send a gift. Thank someone for a task they did. Phone one person now and thank them for something specific.

13. Be Judgmental

We love to judge people. As described in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People book, there are four judgments: criticism, labeling, diagnosing, and praising. We criticize (“You are no good at helping me”), label (“You are a jerk”), diagnose (“Stop being rude because you don’t get what you want”), and praise (“You are the sweetest person for doing that”). Each judgment has its own problems too deep to described in this article.

14. Send Solutions

It is counterintuitive that solutions kill relationships. After all, don’t solutions cure problems? More often than not in relationships, solutions create problems. We feel inferior being controlled and the problem-solver often overlooks the real issue. Solutions are usually manifestations of other dumb relationship mistakes like blame, gossip, trying to change people, and sticking to one’s point of view.

15. Avoid Concerns

The most frequent dumb mistake people make in a relationship is avoiding their partner’s concerns. Look at any bad relationship and each person will tell you their needs are not being met. They are not being listened to, understood, cared for, loved, whatever. Good communication is the key to overcoming these problems and meeting each other’s needs.

There you have 15 mistakes people frequently make in their relationships. Follow this advice then hopefully the next time you ask someone what one mistake you do in the relationship, no walls break because walls are nonexistent.

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August 16, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

15 Steps to a Balanced and Happy Marriage

The other day my husband and I were talking about our marriage and how happy we are together. Then we somehow started talking about our friends and how some of their marriages and relationships didn’t work out. It was sad to see some of them go through painful divorces or experience great disappointments in people who were considered their second halves just a while back.

It’s not a secret that rates of divorces are rising like crazy all over the world now (in the United States 50% of all marriages end in divorce and in Ukraine the rates are just a little bit lower). I am not going to go into the details of why it is happening but I would like to share my experience of a happy and balanced marriage. I hope that maybe these tips will help some couples to live happily ever after.

    1. Be honest with each other. I think marriage and any serious relationship starts with honesty.
      My husband is a scuba diver and he has a few scuba buddies. If you do not know much about diving then I want to share one secret: it is EXTREMELY expensive (you need at least $3000 on average to get your own gear and as you become better at it you will want more expensive and more professional equipment). For the reason that I cannot figure out scuba diving is a real addiction for men and they cannot stop buying new equipment no matter how much they have already (my husband is past that point thankfully :-) ) Back to the scuba buddies, these guys are married and they hide their new equipment from their wives. Every time they buy something new they try to sneak around and get it delivered when their wives are not home, then they hide it real good to make sure that their wives do not know how much they’ve just spent (my husband has never done anything like this, phew!). One of these guys has just divorced and now they are fighting over the custody of the children. I can’t imagine living with a person who is not honest with me, neither does my husband and I do not have much hope in marriages that are based on lies and sneaking around.
    2. Do not only say “I love you,” show it.
      My parents divorced when I was about 10 years old. I remember my dad always talking a lot about how much he loved my mom and me but he never showed it. He never helped my mom around the house, he never helped her financially to raise me after the divorce, and he never tried hard enough to be a good husband and a good dad.
      It is important to show your partner your love. It can be support in a difficult situation, help around the house or with the kids, a romantic night out or a timely hug when you are feeling blue.
  1. In a relationship you are a team and not two solo players. When you are married you lose some of your “I” and turn it into “We.” Marriage is like a football game (without getting slammed though :-) ). A person who does not know the rules will look at the field and see a bunch of big guys running around, jumping on each other and acting completely irrational. A person who knows the rules will see a strategy behind every move. Each player has his own role on the field and each of the players is responsible for the final score. In a marriage it is important to have your own life and your own interests, however happy couples know that all these interests are worthless if they do not benefit their team. There is a great movie called Facing the Giants that continues this analogy (this is a Christian movie). Another one of my favorites is Fireproof and I think that all couples need to watch it because it is a wonderful and inspiring movie.
  2. Keep romance burning in your relationship. There is nothing worse than a boring and unromantic relationship. When women start wearing hair rollers and shower caps around the house and when men spend all their time on the coach with a bottle of beer in their hands you can say that this relationship is doomed. Here are 10 ways to turn a boring relationship into a party of love and I am sure that you can think of at least 100 more.
  3. Be best friends. A marriage based only on friendship is hardly possible, but a marriage without friendship is doomed. What do friends do? They talk, they share their most intimate thoughts, they share their joys and sorrows, they have fun together, and they help and support each other. Can you imagine a marriage without all this? I can’t.
  4. Let little things slide. This tip is mostly meant for women because a lot of us (women) go crazy about little things like dirty socks around the house, a glass that was left in the wrong place or the wrong type of produce that he picked up at the grocery store. Men can think only about one thing at a time (these are words of my husband, no offense guys). When they think about a nice bottle of wine that they want to bring home for supper they forget whether you wanted Romaine lettuce or spinach. When they think about a football game they forget where they leave their glass and when they are ready to cuddle up with you under a blanket they forget where they threw their socks. Look at the big picture and enjoy a deep relationship and bond with your partner, after all nobody is perfect.
  5. Talk. When I say “talk” I do not mean just talking about what refrigerator you have to buy or what happened at work during the day. I mean talking about everything: about friends, about news, about your interests, about your concerns and about 100 more subjects. My husband and I lose track of time when we start talking to each other and I love this time more than anything else in the world (well, almost anything ;-) ). Talking will help you understand what is going on in the head of your spouse, what bothers him/her, it will help you to resolve and prevent conflicts and misunderstandings if they arise (the worst thing is to keep a grudge inside and let it destroy your marriage).
  6. Be silent. Sounds contradictory to what I’ve just said, right? If you and your partner argue (it happens to the best of us) then you are likely to say something that you do not really mean. When we are upset we tend to pick the most stinging words that can hurt your partner’s trust and faith in you permanently. I find that it is much better to be silent in these situations and to let both of us cool down a little bit. After the smoke has cleared and you can think rationally again you can talk the whole situation over and most likely you will find an easy solution or explanation that will satisfy both of you.
  7. Be equally responsible for the family and household. This is a tip for men. A lot of men mention that marriage kills romance and that their wives become less interested in sex and fun activities that they used to enjoy before. This is really true because a lot of women get so tied up in household problems and bringing up children (not mentioning the fact that a lot of women are also working at the same time) that they do not have any energy left for anything else.
    Most men still think that a woman is a 100% responsible for bringing up children and taking care of the household. How many men change about half the amount of diapers that women do? How much time do men spend with the children when the kids are in a bad mood? How often do men think about what to fix for supper or when to vacuum the house? If you are one of the men who does it all or is willing to do it all then your wife is (will be) a very happy woman (my husband is all I’ve just mentioned and even more :-) ). How would you expect a woman to think about a romantic night when she has been changing dirty diapers all day long and her personal time was limited to 5 minutes in the shower? A marriage puts a lot of responsibilities on both a man and a woman and if you want a happy and sexy wife then you need to give her some help and some free time.
  8. Smile and laugh together. According to a recent study people who smile a lot have lower rates of divorce. Researchers are not quite sure about the connection between smiling and happy marriages but having great time together and laughing a lot will help you become more positive about your relationship and life in general.

Here are 5 more rules that do not need any explanation in my opinion.

  1. Love each other
  2. Respect each other
  3. Support each other
  4. Understand each other
  5. Give to each other

A balanced and happy marriage is not a dream, it is a reality for me. I wish that more people could enjoy relationships that were satisfying and long-lasting at the same time. Do you have anything to add to this list? I am looking forward to your feedback.

Keep it balanced!

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July 22, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

10 Basic Truths About Keeping Your Relationship Healthy

I think it’s easy to make things more complicated than they need to be. Here are some basic rules of the relationship road that will keep you headed in the right direction.

1. Successful relationships take work. They don’t happen in a vacuum. They occur when the couples in them take the risk of sharing what it is that’s going on in their hearts and heads.
2. You can only change yourself, not your partner. If you love someone and think that after a while he or she will alter behaviors you find uncomfortable, think again. If you want changes, put them on the table, so your partner knows what you need.
3. All arguments stem from our own fear or pain. When upset occurs, check out what’s going on inside you rather than getting angry with your partner. Truth is that we usually aren’t upset for the reasons we think we are.
4. Understand that men and women are very different. We’re not from Mars or Venus; we’re not even in the same solar system. Understanding and celebrating our differences will make living together more peaceful, interesting and fun.

5. Honor each other in some way every day. Every morning, you have the opportunity to make your relationship sweeter and deeper by recommitting to your mate. Feeling respected and cherished by the one you love makes life much nicer.
6. Anger is a waste of time. Anger also is a relationship killer because it makes you self-absorbed and won’t allow you to see the good. If you are annoyed with your mate, give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss what’s going on for you.
7. Get regular tune-ups. Go to a couples workshop, talk with a counselor or read a relationship book together at least once a year. Even if you don’t think that you need ideas, and the process alone will strengthen your connection.


8. Find a way to become and stay best friends. For some, this sounds unromantic, but for those who live it, most say it’s the best part of their time together.
9. Be responsible for your own happiness. No other person can make you happy. It’s something that you have to do on your own. If you feel that it’s your partner’s fault, think again, and look within to find out what piece may be missing for you.
10. Give what you want to get. Our needs change with time. If you’d like to feel understood, try being more understanding. If you want to feel more love, try giving more. It’s a simple program that really works.
There are no guarantees, but couples who practice these techniques have longer and stronger relationships than those who are not proactive in their love.

March 17, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

75 Ways to Show Love in Relationships

Laughing couple.

Image via Wikipedia

If you’re married or in a serious relationship, you’re no stranger to the phrase, “I love you.” You can say those 3 little words to your partner one million times, but we all know that it has to be followed up with action.

Showing love isn’t an exact science. We all speak different love languages, so you may show love in a way that your spouse doesn’t understand (and vice versa).  Well, it doesn’t have to remain that way.

Happy couples’ love for each other and dedication to the relationship lead to many adjustments in the way they show love to each other. If what you’re doing isn’t working for your relationship, it may be time to change your approach.  Use this list of75 ways to show love as a guide to loving your mate in a way that may save your relationship or just take it to a new level of awesomeness.

1. A kiss on the forehead
2. Uninterrupted quality time
3. A note under the pillow
4. Tell him when he looks masculine, sexy, or hot
5. Turn a regular day into an All-About-You day just for your mate
6. Breakfast served in bed
7. A romantic picnic indoors
8. An unexpected dinner cruise

9. Propose marriage on one knee
10. Don’t complain when he leaves the toilet seat up
11. A rose on the pillow
12. Tell her she’s beautiful
13. Pour on the chivalry (open doors, pull her chair out)
14. A bubble bath with rose petals and her favorite scented candles
15. Verbalize what your relationship means to you
16. Surprise her with her favorite flowers and candy
17. An “I love you because…” list
18. PDA (public displays of affection)
19. Heart shaped pancakes or cookies
20. A walk in the park together
21. Hold your beloved a little tighter and longer than usual
22. Do some of his/her chores
23. A handwritten card sprayed with your scent
24. Spoil each other
25. Renew your marriage vows
26. Be first to say “I’m sorry” after an argument
27. Personalize (i.e. engrave) gifts
28. Place an “I love you” flyer under the car’s windshield wiper
29. Send a surprise gift to his/her workplace
30. Support each other’s dreams
31. Make love slowly, passionately
32. Run his bath water
33. Give your spouse space when needed
34. Buy her feminine hygiene products (before she asks)
35. Bring him a cold beer while he watches football
36. Put a love note in her purse

37. Hold hands

38. Take showers together and wash each other’s back (or whole body)
39. Look deeply into your lover’s eyes
40. Always kiss goodbye and goodnight
41. Boast about your mate and your relationship to mutual friends
42. Arrange for a babysitter so you can have an unexpected date night
43.  Say how much you love each other even if you think it’s known
44. Use cute pet names for each other
45. Rub your noses together
46. Remember to say thank you (often)
47. Excuse each other’s mistakes
48. Meditate together
49. Sleep in his t-shirt
50. Wash her hair
51. Step outside of traditional gender roles to help each other (Cook dinner for her; take the trash out for him)
52. Verbally reassure your lover
53. Take photographs as a couple
54. Give up the last piece of food on your plate
55. Write a short fairy tale using you and your mate as the characters (Once upon a time…”)
56. Listen more intently
57. Flirt with each other
58. Sing your significant other a love song
59. Get up early to help him/her get ready for work
60. Say “I adore you”
61. Watch a chic flick with her
62. Kiss your mate somewhere you never thought to kiss before (i.e. elbow, knee, toe)
63. Initiate affection (hugs, kisses, spooning)
64. Take good care of yourself so that you’re at your best for the one you love
65. A handmade gift or card
66. Write a sweet message on a fogged-up mirror so he/she will see it after exiting the shower
67. Cook your significant other’s’ favorite meal
68. Feed each other chocolate covered strawberries
69. Cuddle by the fireplace
70. Laugh and have fun with each other
71. Rub his/her feet
72. Create a scrapbook together
73. Start a hobby together
74. Dance indoors to your favorite song
75. Ask about each other’s day

Healthy relationships survive because both partners keep trying. They know the secret–that love is a verb. Loving your spouse or lover means taking action to help keep love (the feeling) alive and flourishing.

What are some of your favorite ways to show love? What are some ways you’d like your partner to show love? Do you agree that love (the action) is as important as love (the feeling).

March 15, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments »

Relationship Rules

Human beings crave intimacy, need to love and be loved. Yet people have much trouble doing so.

It’s clear from the many letters I get that lots of folks have no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like. Because I care about these things, and care about the environments children grow in, I’m using this space as an attempt to remedy the problem—again.

From many sources and many experts, I have culled some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it’s a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door. I won’t test you on them—but life will.

  • Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.
  • Know your partner’s beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don’t want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they’ll create it where it doesn’t exist.
  • Don’t confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
  • Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
  • Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.
  • View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences.
  • Know how to manage differences; it’s the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don’t sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.
  • If you don’t understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don’t assume.
  • Solve problems as they arise. Don’t let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.
  • Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people’s needs are fluid and change over time, and life’s demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
  • Listen, truly listen, to your partner’s concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner’s perspective as well as your own.
  • Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn’t happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn’t an end goal; it’s a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.
  • Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you’re both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
  • Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
  • Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams

March 6, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

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