Follow Your Excitement (TO DO LIST)
Look at your To Do list right now. Does it make you smile?
Or consider an overview of yesterday… does the believed of duplicating it make you shift with anticipation?
If it does not then something is incorrect.
It’s our birthright to be energized. Yet, we waste it to meet up with objectives and proportion with the guarantee of fulfillment later.
We convert the wonderful joy of going our techniques into recurring periods on wet precious metal, pulse rate monitoring devices (ever see children doing that?).
We convert sex into a celebration and make climax our unique concentrate.
We disfigure the joy of perform into a task by consistently following a tedious set of projects.
But instead of asking our strategy completely, we stress ourselves to be more regimented and targeted. We make complex techniques, records and benefits for doing things we never really care about doing. We try to protect aging surfaces with vibrant background. And whenever the deterioration begins to demonstrate beneath, we make an effort to spot it up again.
On some level, we avoid pleasure. We think that art should include battle, success require compromise and objectives take an effort. The compensate comes later.
Sounds like B.S. to me.
My “fitness program” at five was driving a Big Rim, ascending plants and seeing how great I could leap off the shift (the greatest challenge). My strategy at 15 was a mix of baseball after institution, difficult struggling methods (I’ve yet to experience any exercising as strenuous as wrestling), and weightlifting in the gym. I always keep in mind from a very youthful age having a wish to have superhero-like actual capabilities. But it was not until institution that my exercising began to become determined and regimented. And it was around that period that I began to feel verdict and frustration set in.
When I just didn’t raise more weight than the weeks time before or skipped a perform out, the Speech of Judgment would set in. Activity began stopping to be a joy and more of a method for please my ego.
After institution I tried going to health clubs off and on but never found fulfillment in it. I would get energized about being “ripped” at first, then the shine would reduce. An aspect of me that was mixing from hibernation realized that I was trying to compartmentalized health. It sensed icky and inauthentic.
Regaining your joy includes losing the scripts
Now I see movement as not just a method for be powerful — something that has been a wish of my own since I was a hero driven boy — but as a way to communicate joy and creativeness. Jeet Kune Do assisted me regain that. MovNat has as well. Whether it’s going our techniques or going through lifestyle, being in existence in this some time to staying inquisitive keeps our pleasure in existence.
Whenever we become shaped to styles we concrete ourselves in them. We drop our capability to discover, walk and improve.
Curiosity = visibility. It is fresh air to pleasure.
Boredom and difficulty is caused by seeking to keep in mind programs and act out our life understanding what exactly is coming in each act. Not understanding is frightening. It’s also where chance and improvements lay invisible in mysterious tracks, awaiting us to ignite a fire in our minds and hearts and reveal the mysterious.
Following your pleasure is both about selecting interesting tracks, and the way you display up
Waking up energized is not just about starting on system moving activities (though it goes a long way). It’s about the way you appear. One is external: complicated and spectacular geography. The other an inward self-possession: prepared, existing, visibility.
Be talk about the material of your activities. Then ignore everything and be start to now, allowing the wonderful circulation of lifestyle bring you downstream toward your perspective. Know that as you shift along you may learn that what you believed you desired will modify. The unique location you imagined is simply a route. For your assistance system to perform with accurate it must be constantly changing course.
The alchemy of pleasure is one aspect talk will, and one aspect insecure fluidity.
The objective of following your pleasure is worth determined toward. It’s pleasure now. Not at some point.
Waking up energized is about…
Dying to the past
Admitting what sucks… and having the guts to fall it
Staleness and dullness — it makes the comparison and generate for us to replenish our wonderment
Outsourcing, leaving out and automating what does not inspire us
Childlike curiosity
Standing on the edge
Embracing elegance in the apparently mundane
Eating motivation for breakfast
Freshly produced ideas
Looking at the old with baby eyes
A choice
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51 Lifetimes Instructions
- Have a company handshake.
- Look individuals in the eye.
- Sing in the bathtub.
- Own an excellent songs.
- If in a cope with, hit first and hit challenging.
- Keep techniques.
- Never quit on anybody. Wonders occur daily.
- Always take an outstretched side.
- Be courageous. Even if you’re not, say to be. No one can tell the change.
- Whistle.
- Avoid cynical reviews.
- Choose your lifetimes companion properly. From this one choice will come 90 % of all your pleasure or agony.
- Make it an addiction to do awesome factors for individuals who will never discover out.
- Lend only those guides you never proper want to see again.
- Never deny someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
- When doing offers with ! kids, let them win.
- Give individuals a second opportunity, but not a third.
- Be enchanting.
- Become the most good and passionate individual you know.
- Loosen up. Rest. Except for unusual life-and-death issues, nothing is as essential as it first seems.
- Don’t allow the cellphone to get rid of essential periods. It’s there for our advantage, not the caller’s.
- Be an excellent loss.
- Be an excellent victorious one.
- Think twice before burdening a companion with a key.
- When someone cuddled you, let them be the first to let go.
- Be minimal. A lot was done before you were blessed.
- Keep it easy.
- Beware of the individual who has nothing to reduce.
- Don’t get rid of connects. You’ll be amazed how many periods you have to corner the same stream.
- Live your lifestyle so that your epitaph could study, No Regrets
- Be strong and courageous. When you look again on lifestyle, you’ll feel disappointed about the
- things you didn’t do more than the your you did.
- Never spend an opportunity to tell someone you really like them.
- Remember no one creates it alone. Have a thankful center and stop wasting time to recognize those who assisted you.
- Take cost of your mind-set. Don’t let someone else select it for you.
- Visit visitors when they are in hospital; you need only remain a few moments.
- Begin each day with some of the songs.
- Once in a while, take the picturesque path.
- Send a lot of Valentine’s credit cost playing cards. Indication them, ‘Someone who believes you’re wonderful.’
- Answer the cellphone with passion and power in your speech.
- Keep a observe pad and pad on your bed-side desk. Million-dollar thoughts sometimes reach at 3 a.m.
- Show regard for everyone who performs for an existing, regardless of how easy their job.
- Send your family blossoms. Think of a purpose later.
- Make a person’s day by shelling out the cost for the individual in the car behind you.
- Become a person’s idol.
- Marry only for really like.
- Count your delights.
- Compliment the food when you’re a visitor in a person’s house.
- Wave at the kids on an excellent bus.
- Remember that 80 % of the achievements in any job is according to your capability to cope with individuals.
- Don’t anticipate lifestyle to be reasonable.
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Top Ten New Year’s Promises
The close of the season is around the corner. It’s the season where we both look again on the last season’s events and most especially, look forward to what the New Year will bring about.
Oftentimes, as we look again, we usually rue elements we’ve done wrong or forget to do. And to prepare us better for the returning New Year, we make a listing of positive modify in our way of life. It may contain elements we wish to achieve or have, thinking we want to modify or routines and way of life we want to try.
To help you see what more can you do better and modify in your way of life, this is the top ten New Year’s Solution you can utilize in the future New Year.
1. Manage Yourself
Do you often get following time? You have too many actions but too short period.
Sometimes our lack of your energy and effort results from our listlessness to manage it. We usually forget the variety of projects we acknowledge that we get found off protect when elements submitted up.
Start to be structured and begin it with you. It may contain developing a to do listing, having a work schedule but most of all, know how to focus on your actions and obligations based on their significance.
Learning to prepare your actions does not only help you fix the debris of your way of life and operate, but also help you set your main concerns on elements that matter most to you.
2. Be Fit and Healthy
The world is getting much deadly and impure that a lot of not treatable ailments, such as cancer, have been getting away a lot of existence. And as such, the emergency of being healthy and fit is higher.
A lot of studies have stated and shown that there are a lot of methods to remain fit and healthy. As easy as walking, running or simply do some extending training at least thirty (30) mins per day can help you convenience away ailments to remain fit and healthy. Not only lethal ailments will be reduced or removed, but also such as worry, tiredness and all other psychological and actual illness we experience in our day to day actions.
3. Master, Master and Learn
Did you know that actual discovering comes from outside the school? And that actual discovering is beyond the amount and master’s degree we earn understanding.
Real discovering comes from our day to day actions and goes through. As they say, we learn best through action.
Also, realize that discovering can come in different types and many sites, like sessions we study our own actions, for visiting training/seminars, getting innovative sessions on art or music, discovering a new game and a lot more.
4. Invest More Time Developing Relationships
Prestige, energy and success are probably essential in your way of life, but ask yourself, why do you operate tirelessly to achieve those? Who are your inspirations to do so?
Most of us will probably answer our family or community, the individuals we serve and be influenced of. Although this reason is clear, frequently we forget it as we get blinded by the glow of reputation, energy and success that we get too fast paced and neglect the root base of our drive.
Take a chance to slow down and spend time building interactions with others. Keep in thoughts that at the end of it all, it’s not what you have that they will remember; it’s what you have done.
5. Have More Faith
Why do some individuals get fortunate while others don’t?
And why are there so many hard-working men, but yet they have gotten fortunate with their career or life?
People usually neglect the energy of trust and knowing. It may contain your religious techniques of desires or just simply knowing that elements can be carried out. That you are capable of have what you want.
So if you want to get fortunate, operate and believe.
6. Make Self-Meditation a Habit
Have you ever joined a Yoga training class?
If you have joined one or never heard of it, it’s a breathing training for your persona. Yoga training is one way of deep breathing that helps you rest and convenience worry. This is done by relaxing and managing both your persona. And after each time, you will feel tranquil to deal with the debris of way of life.
Self-meditation does the same to your way of life. Making a New Year’s resolution is another form of self-meditation for it makes you look over your previous to provide you experience tomorrows with a much better YOU.
7. Are living Within Your Means
Are you one of those who helplessly delay for their regular income only to be able to touch it for a few mins before they would income it to a cashier to pay a long superb debt?
A lot of individuals in our technology now cannot do without bills and card. It becomes a very essential part of their way of life, that if without it, they could not endure.
And while we possess this gorgeous card, we usually reside beyond our indicates. We usually think that we can have more and more of the material elements that we want with less and less sources to do so. Then period, we are filled with bills.
If you want to make a modify in your regular problems, here are some ideas,
Live within your indicates. If you can not, then, discover a more method for reside more.
8. Avoid Bad Habits
What are the elements you wish you examine do if you do not begin ever?
Is it smoking? Drinking? Girls? Flirting? Disloyalty? Cheating?
You know it’s not doing benefits in your way of life, so what do you have to do?
STOP IT! Simple as that! How? Point out to yourself of the repercussions of carrying on to do so.
9. Be a Advantage to Others
Love individuals and individuals will really like you.
When I say really like, it does not mean light really like, but genuine and truthful care and really like for others.
Remember that way of life alone is not only single and sad, but also, useless.
10. Are living Life To The Fullest
Balanced way of life moves in four aspects: psychological, religious, psychological and actual.
Live in all areas of your way of life, for too much of one thing is always bad.
Don’t delay at the end of the vacation to reside your way of life, instead, remain in the vacation of a successful way of life. That is a way of life resided to its maximum today.
Please take note that this listing is not a procedure, but a pure guide that you can utilize or pay no attention to in your way of life. Our only purpose is to give you an idea of what you can look upon in your way of life that you can think of applying in the returning New Year.
HAPPY & BLESSED NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
Killer of your Concentration.!
In today’s fast-paced world, we need to do a lot, in a very short time. Fast paced life, decreased day span, partitioned lives; that’s what one can summarize a person, now a days. Another side effect of this hectic lifestyle is reduced or scattered concentration. How many of us have picked up a long-pending novel, only to put down once we see, how thick it is? Does the 10-sec commercial during your favorite serial, annoy you and make you flip channels like a fish out of water? Let’s see which of your habits are killing your concentration?
Social Media
With so much information available online, it is one of the top concentration killers. You log in to just check 1 email, and before you know, you have Facebook, SU, LinkedIn and everything else dancing on those multiple tabs. It’s easy to connect with friends — and disconnect from work — many times an hour. Every status update zaps your train of thought, forcing you to backtrack when you resume your work.
Managing social media & your work
Make a note on your desktop, to remind you frequently, to avoid logging in to social media sites while you’re working. If you feel compelled to check in every now and then, do it during breaks, when the steady stream of posts won’t interrupt your concentration. If you can’t resist logging in more frequently, simply disconnect the internet cable, till you finish your work.
Email Overload
There’s, definitely, something about an email – Once you are notified, if just has to be replied! Although many emails are work-related, they still count as distractions from your current project. You won’t make much progress if you constantly stop what you’re doing to reply to every message.
Don’t let email dictate your schedule
Carve out specific hours during the day to reply to emails, instead of checking email continuously. During the rest of the day, you can actually shut down your email program, to give you uniterrupted working hours.
Cellphones
You decide, what is more alluring? The ping of an email or the ring-tone on your cell phone. It’s a sound few of us can ignore. But taking a call not only costs you the time you spend talking – it can also cut off your momentum on the task at hand.
Stop the ringing
Ever heard of caller id? All cellphones have it. If you suspect the call is not urgent, let it go to voice-mail. If you need peace and quiet, use the silence mode. Like email, chose a few minutes a day to answer to voice-mails. Listening to all your messages at once, will definitely, be less disruptive than taking every call as it comes in.
Multitasking
Yes, we all think, finishing your emails with a cup of coffee and bagels is a pat on the back, But did you notice, the increased number of typos in that reply or those tiny little coffee splatters on the white shirt? Getting more done is not always wise. Research suggests you lose time whenever you shift your attention from one task to another. The end result is that doing three projects simultaneously usually takes longer than doing them one after the other.
1 in the hand is worth more than 2 in the bush.
Make it an habit to devote time for 1 project at a time, particularly if you’re working on an intense or high-priority task. Save your multitasking skills for chores that are not urgent or demanding — it probably won’t hurt to tidy up your desk while talking on the phone.
Stress, Fatigue & Depression
It is important to notice how one leads and is responsible for the other. Once you have too much on your plate, it can be hard to focus on individual tasks. To make matters worse, stress takes a noticeable toll on the body. You may develop tight shoulders, headaches, or a racing heart, all of which can chip away at your ability to concentrate. With seeming failure at all corners, depression is bound to set in, leading to more stress.
Don’t fear therapy or treatment
Most people tend to think of sadness or anger as the hallmark of depression, but experts say difficulty concentrating is one of the most common symptoms. Depression is highly treatable with the help of anti-depressants and consultation. Similarly, try using Yoga or meditation to reduce stress. It can help you rein in stressful thoughts, so they don’t demand so much of your attention. In one study, researchers found that people who took an eight-week meditation course improved their ability to focus. Also try to achieve 7-9 hours of sleep per night. By making sleep a priority, you get more done during your waking hours.
Hunger
The brain can’t focus without fuel, so skipping meals – especially breakfast – is a top concentration killer. Research indicates short-term memory and attention suffer when you rise and shine but do not dine.
Keep fueling yourself
Always eat breakfast and try your best to have lunch too, even if it means, at your desk. Keep high-protein snacks (cheese, nuts) in your drawer or bag, when the hunger pangs strike and you have no time! Avoid simple carbohydrates (sweets, white pasta) as they make you lethargic, instead go for complex carbohydrates (whole grains) for instant energy.
Medication
Unknown to you, many drugs like medications used to treat depression can interfere with concentration. Talk to your doctor or pharmacist to check if a medication or supplement you are taking may be affecting your concentration.
Talk with your physician
If you suspect your medicines are clouding your concentration, don’t assume there are no other options. Talk to your doctor about adjusting your dosage or switching to a different class of medication.
Losing concentration is a very common phenomenon these days, so don’t stress yourself out. With some research and proper lifestyle changes, you can find yourself working efficiently, at work and at home.
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15 Voiceless Mistakes Peoples Make in Relationships
One of my friends recently asked his girlfriend, “What’s one dumb thing I do in the relationship?” She looked at him in shock, “Where do I begin? If it has to be one, I’d just say you can be a real ****.” “What! How dare you. Now it’s my turn,” he replied. A dam wall of topics the couple needed to talk about freely gushed into the open. An hour later they finished talking.
We make many dumb relationship mistakes, which I have noticed after years of study and observing communication and human behavior, that all cannot be listed here. I use the term “dumb” not to put people down, but only because a lot of people repeat the same blunders. Put an end to these 15 relationship mistakes, in no particular order:
1. Withhold Feelings
Men are more guilty than women in withholding feelings from their partner. If something ticks men off, they may hide their irritation instead of revealing what it is that annoyed them. Women are indirectly guilty of this relationship mistake. While women are more emotional than men, they withhold feelings in the sense that they blame or criticize others to indirectly express their emotions. “I hate you for…!” is not an example of expressing your feelings. An expression of emotion is, “I feel sad about…” “I’m feeling happy you…” “I am angry!”
2. Reject Emotions
We may withhold feelings from someone because we reject our emotions. It is uncomfortable for most people to feel guilt, shame, anger, sadness, and even love so they reject these emotions by thinking positively or generally suppressing them. You feel whatever you do for a reason – accept it. Your relationships deteriorate if you suppress anger, for example, because you will resent and behave bitterly with people.
3. Blame
The failure to healthily express emotion can show itself through blame, a common relationship mistake. Look at an argumentative couple to see each person blaming the other for relationship problems. Neither acknowledges imperfection, preferring to be right. Each person thinks people ought to change instead of taking the responsibility for self-change. Victimization is a relationship mistake unhealthy for either person.
4. Gossip
People gossip about their relationships mainly for self-pity. They seek validation that the other person is to blame for relationship problems. If you have a relationship problem, talk with the person you share the problem with and stop complaining about it to your friends or coworkers. The other person is not the cause of your suffering; you are because of your ignorance to the problem through gossip. If a gossiper just turns the mirror on himself, he would realize the rumors hurt his relationships. A gossiper is no better than the originator of the problem. Neither roles create resolution – both compound it.
5. Interpret Behaviors Negatively
“Give people a margin-for-error because you don’t know every detail.”
A gossiper is one example of a person that blames others and interprets their behaviors in a negative light. Each little behavior signals a conspiracy against the cynic. If you think your husband is having an affair, anything he does will be filtered through that perspective.
Give people a margin-for-error because you don’t know every detail. Each of us hold a piece of truth discoverable through communication. The best way to resolve your worries is to ask the person by showing interest in their life.
6. Show A Lack of Interest
Do you know what happened to your partner today? When was the last time you watched a friend play their weekly sport? When did you last ask what someone did at work? Get curious about people’s lives by asking a lot of questions and displaying attentive body language. Communication often lacks in relationships because neither person takes the initiative to learn about the other person. Interest in people’s lives makes them feel important, builds the relationship, and teaches you a lot of great stuff in the process. Think of something a person important to you enjoys then go do it with them. You may even want to take up a new hobby together like dancing or yoga.
7. Exert Excessive Control
We hate being controlled and told what to do. The worst managers micro-manage, dictating employee behavior. Many angry employees echo similar remarks.
The greatest leaders give team members freedom. The same is true in families and interpersonal relationships. If you order your teenage daughter to not smoke, research shows she is more likely to smoke. One study that looked at how values transmit through families found that children with authoritative parents have different values to them. When the parents are supportive rather than restrictive, the children agree and accept similar values.
8. Try to Change People
Whenever we try to change people, whether it be through manipulation, criticism, orders, threats, or rewards, they take on strange behavior. Do a test in a safe environment. Intentionally tell someone what they are doing is wrong and the person could not change, become suddenly quiet, resent you, gossip about you, or purposefully do what you said not to do. We always try to change people, but rarely succeed.
9. Remain Unchanged
We expect people to change while we remain unchanged. Rigid perspectives on money, family, work, emotion, and the relationship creates severe friction that can destroy a relationship. “If my coworker stopped…then I’d be able to…” “If my son stopped…then I could…” “My partner should…then I’d feel…” I’ll give you an if-statement to remember: if you don’t change, you have no right to expect people to change.
10. Keep One’s Point of View
“It is logically and mathematically irrational to conclude one can be right 95% of the time.”
What is your honest estimate of the percentage you think you are right in an argument? 80? 90? 100%? I estimate most people say 95%. That means a fighting couple’s righteousness totals 190%, a formula for conflict. It is logically and mathematically irrational to conclude one can be right 95% of the time. We are not divine beings knowing of truth.
Each of us possess the truth that we must be flexible enough to explore. The cure to any couple’s problem is held by each person because their point of view is 50% of the relationship.
11. Deny Flaws to Show Perfection
Because we don’t change and like to keep our original point of view, we deny flaws and show perfection. When a mistake arises, we freeze about being found out. A simple sit-down discussion where the two of you each admit three flaws about yourselves helps keep destructive perfection at bay while encouraging growth. You do not fear imperfection when mistakes are encouraged to surface.
12. Absence of Admiration
Relationships are easy to take for granted. We devalue what we have while desiring what is out of our reach. Put some effort into the relationship. You can show people you value the relationship with them through admiration. Give a compliment. Send a gift. Thank someone for a task they did. Phone one person now and thank them for something specific.
13. Be Judgmental
We love to judge people. As described in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People book, there are four judgments: criticism, labeling, diagnosing, and praising. We criticize (“You are no good at helping me”), label (“You are a jerk”), diagnose (“Stop being rude because you don’t get what you want”), and praise (“You are the sweetest person for doing that”). Each judgment has its own problems too deep to described in this article.
14. Send Solutions
It is counterintuitive that solutions kill relationships. After all, don’t solutions cure problems? More often than not in relationships, solutions create problems. We feel inferior being controlled and the problem-solver often overlooks the real issue. Solutions are usually manifestations of other dumb relationship mistakes like blame, gossip, trying to change people, and sticking to one’s point of view.
15. Avoid Concerns
The most frequent dumb mistake people make in a relationship is avoiding their partner’s concerns. Look at any bad relationship and each person will tell you their needs are not being met. They are not being listened to, understood, cared for, loved, whatever. Good communication is the key to overcoming these problems and meeting each other’s needs.
There you have 15 mistakes people frequently make in their relationships. Follow this advice then hopefully the next time you ask someone what one mistake you do in the relationship, no walls break because walls are nonexistent.
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When you Don’t Know the Answer
Honesty is the only policy when presenting to a group. However, blatantly admitting, “I don’t know”, in response to a direct question from an audience member can be disastrous. The solution is to be honest and maintain credibility at the same time. No one can know the answer to every question. It’s how the inevitable situation is handled that separates great presenters from amateurs. Study the following seven strategies and keep them in your back pocket so that you can field even the toughest questions with confidence.
1. Reflection
Repeat the question and toss it back to your audience, “Does anyone here have any experience with that?” When you allow the audience to help you, they will save you without ever realizing it. In fact, the audience will revere you because adults love to be involved and share their knowledge. After you have fielded all of the contributions, be sure to summarize and add your own ideas if any have been sparked by the interaction. Summarizing at the end helps you to maintain control and authority. Always repeat questions before answering for the same reasons.
2. I’ll Get Back to You
This is an old standard and it works well if you do three things. First, write the question down. Be conspicuous. Make sure everyone knows you are writing the question down. I go so far as to tell the audience, “I am writing this question down.” Second, tell the questioner exactly when you will get back to them. Be honest. Then do it. Can you get back to them by the end of the day? If it is an all-day program, can you get back to them after lunch? Third, be sure to get the questioner’s contact information if you don’t have it. All of these things make this strategy very powerful. It is not smoke and mirrors. It is an opportunity to go the extra mile, expand your knowledge, and impress your audience.
3. Defer to the Expert
This is a more sophisticated version of the Reflection technique. Sometimes a question is legitimately outside of your area of expertise. You may be a marketing expert and someone asks a question about the engineering aspects of a product. This is a question that requires an engineer. If there is an engineer in the room you could say, “Sally, you’re an engineer. Do you have any insights into that?” If there are no engineers in the room, state that you will confer with an engineer and get back to them. Notice I have just combined two techniques.
4. Compliment the Questioner
For this to be effective, the compliment must be sincere. Sometimes I get lulled into thinking I have seen and heard it all on a particular topic. It never fails though, someone comes out of left field with a question I have never thought of and I say, “That’s a great question. I’ve never thought about it that way. Does anyone here have any ideas on that?” (I have just combined two techniques.) When I use this strategy it is usually not a conscious decision. It’s a reaction. That’s how sincere it needs to sound. It always works when it’s sincere because audience’s love to be complimented. I might also combine this technique with I’ll Get Back to You.
5. Answer a Question with a Question
Sometimes questions are too narrow or too general to answer. Reserve the right, as the expert, to open a question up or close it down by asking a question in response. Once upon a time I was a software trainer. One day a woman asked me a very specific question, “What does that button do?” I had no idea, but I didn’t confess, “I don’t know.” Instead I asked her a question, “What is your goal in pushing that button?” She elaborated for me and explained what she wanted to accomplish. I knew a way to help her and it didn’t involve pushing that button. She was happy. I was honest, credible, helpful, and very happy.
6. Parallel Answer
If you don’t know the bull’s eye answer to a question, offer what you do know quickly to demonstrate some credibility and then combine with a previous technique. When I was a software trainer I used to be an expert in the Lotus spreadsheet package. However Microsoft’s Excel began to gain popularity and I had to learn it so I could teach it. In the beginning I was on a learning curve. Sometimes I would be asked a question about Excel that I didn’t know the answer to, however I did know the answer in Lotus. Quickly I would say, “I know that is possible in Lotus. I’m not sure if that is available in Excel. I’m writing this question down. I’ll research it at the break and get back to you.” Refrain from droning on and on about your parallel knowledge. Brevity is the key to this technique.
7. Set the Rules
You can avoid many difficult questions simply by setting rules for questions in the beginning. Whenever you present to a group, you are the leader. You are accountable for everything, so lead. My experience is that if you set rules and follow them, the audience respects you. If you make rules up as you go along, you lose credibility.
The number of rules you set will vary depending on the topic. When I taught technical subjects, I set lots of rules because I knew the questions would be many and varied. I would start a software seminar by saying, “I welcome general questions at any time about anything on the agenda. If you have a specific question about a project you are working on or a subject outside of the agenda, please see me at a break for a private consultation. Because we have limited time together, I reserve the right to stop taking questions and comments. This is not personal. It is to make certain we cover every topic today.”
Summary
You can’t know the answer to everything. It’s how you handle yourself. Study these seven strategies and use them to maintain credibility and confidence.
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- How Can We “Move On” When the Question Hasn’t Been Answered?| The Post & Email (gunnyg.wordpress.com)
- The Secret To Stonewalling An Answer (messagedtodeaf.blogspot.com)
Questions for empowering You…..!?
Are you asking the right questions? Inspiring minds want to know. The right question can be just the right prompt to inspire you to action, gain better perspective, or help you make the most of any situation.
Here is a set of 101 of my favorite questions that I draw from whether it’s to shape my day, solve a problem, figure out next steps, or get “on path.”
- What’s the way forward?
- What do you want your life to be about?
- Who do you want to be and what experiences do you want to create?
- How does that serve you in terms of who you are and who you want to be?
- Are you giving your best where you have your best to give?
- What do you want to accomplish?
- What do you want to do more of each day? … What do you want to spend your time doing more of?
- What do you want to spend less time on?
- If this situation were to never change, what’s the one quality I need to truly enjoy it?
- If not now, when?
- If not you, who?
- What’s right with this picture? (if you always ask, “What’s wrong with this picture?”, this is a nice switch)
- How can you make the most of the situation? … If there are no good options, what’s the best play I can make for this scenario?
- Who else shares this problem? … Who would solve this problem well? (a great way to find models and learn from the best)
- What would <famous or interesting person XYZ> do?” … How would I respond if I were Bob Hope? … Leonardo da Vinci? … Guy Kawasaki? … Seth Godin? … etc. (this is a great way to come up with new ideas or plays for your situation)
- What are you pointing your camera at? (a simple way to direct your day on a scene by scene basis)
- What’s good enough for now?
- What can you be the best at in the world?
- What’s the most effective thing for me to focus on?
- Are you asking the right question? … Is that the right question?
- How is that relevant?
- What’s that based on?
- What’s the goal? … What are the goals?
- What would success look like?
- What do you need to be successful? … What do you need to be successful in this situation?
- Is it working? … Is it effective?
- What do you measure? … What are the metrics?
- What are the tests for success?
- How do you know it’s working?
- How do you know when you’re done?
- What did you expect?
- Are you creating the results you want?
- Does it matter?
- Will it matter in 100 years?
- Is it worth the effort?
- What actions have I taken? … What steps have I tried? ( a great sanity check when you’re testing your ability to take action)
- What’s next?
- What do you want to do?
- What’s best for you?
- What’s the best thing for now?
- What’s your next best thing to do?
- Is that a good idea?
- So what? Now what?
- What’s the problem?
- What’s the threat?
- What’s the concern?
- When do you want it by? … You want what by when?
- Who needs to do what when?
- Who needs to do what differently?
- Who should do what when?
- What would you have them do differently?
- What’s wearing you down?
- What’s lifting you up?
- Why do you get up in the morning and come to work?
- What do you want to experience? … What do you want to experience more of?
- What are you trading? … What are you trading up for?
- What did you learn that you can use next time?
- What would you do differently next time around?
- Where’s the growth?
- What would people pay you for?
- Do you want to run towards or away from the problem?
- How big is the pie, how big is your slice?
- Does it make business sense?
- Is it business critical?
- What’s our capacity?
- What’s our constraint?
- What are the KPIs (Key Performance Indicators)?
- What’s our core business?
- What does the market want?
- Is it push, pull or indifferent?
- What’s the trend?
- What to cut back on?
- What does the pro know that you don’t? (this is a good way to figure out if knowledge or insight can make a difference)
- Now what are you going to do about it?
- Can you teach it to someone else?
- How can I use this?
- What do you want to say?
- What’s the right thing to do?
- Is now the right time?
- Is this the right forum?
- How much time do you have?
- What are you making time for?
- How much time should you make for it?
- What can you do all day long?
- What are you spending the bulk of your time on?
- Does your schedule reflect your priorities?
- If you had all the time in the world, how would you spend your time?
- If you had all the money in the world, how would you spend it?
- Where are we on the map?
- What would make life more wonderful for you?
- How can you chunk it down?
- How fast can you do it?
- What’s the impact?
- What would you like to have happen? … What would you like instead?
- What’s the opposite of that?
- How might that be true?
- What are you seeing that I’m not?
- What did you see, what did you hear?
- What’s the writing on the wall?
- What’s their story?
- Who’s stopping you? … What’s stopping you? … What’s holding you back?
What questions drive you? … Share your favorite question in the comments………!
30 Days + 30 Resolutions to Change Your Life
Change is a given. Your life changes whether you want it or not. But isn’t it better to consciously steer your life by adopting a positive attitude?
I prepared 30 resolutions you can use to revamp your life in the next 30 days. Read through the list and make a mental note whenever an item rings a bell.
The order you think about or apply the following 30+1 suggestions is not important. Feel free to start from the one that strikes you the most.
Please remember that taking baby steps is important when you want to grow and improve yourself so that you lead a happier life that satisfies you more in every way. Although change doesn’t happen overnight, what really matters is the intent. And of course, your genuine effort. You will start enjoying the results sooner than you think.
It’s a great idea to take a printout of the list and stick it on your cork board or carry it in your wallet. Try to think about one thing on the list every single day. And then start applying it to your life. You can cross out the items on the list in the process. Remember to go back to your master list every now and then – especially whenever you feel you need to realign your life.
30 Days + 30 Resolutions to Change Your Life
Day 1: Be courageous. Take risks. Face your fears and think about the best ways to deal with them.
Day 2: Watch less TV. Read more books. Go out and walk more.
Day 3: Express your emotions. Let them out!
Day 4: Be original. Be unique. Don’t imitate. Find your voice. Don’t settle for mediocrity.
Day 5: Talk less. Listen more.
Day 6: Stop procrastinating. Do it now.
Day 7: Be green. Become greener.
Day 8: Simplify your life. Don’t forget that small is beautiful, and less is more.
Day 9: Declutter your home. Declutter your life. Give away more, keep less.
Day 10: Write. Start a blog. Write a book. Write your memoir.
Day 11: Be more sharing. Be generous. Help those who are less fortunate. Donate.
Day 12: Tell your loved ones that you love them. Say it out loud.
Day 13: Find out what success means for you. Find out what you really want and what will make you truly happy.
Day 14: Specialize. Don’t go wider. Go deeper. Learn one thing to the fullest extent.
Day 15: Forgive and forget. Don’t hold grudges. Focus on the present.
Day 16: Be thankful. Voice your thanks.
Day 17: Love yourself and be proud of who you are.
Day 18: Take better care of your health. Eat healthier. Drink more water. Sleep more.
Day 19: Abandon the victim mentality. Stop complaining. Do something about it.
Day 20: Learn to say no.
Day 21: Be honest. Be open. Be transparent.
Day 22: Spend more time with your loved ones. The value you give to someone is in proportion with the time you allocate to that person.
Day 23: Be flexible. Embrace change. Be open to alternatives.
Day 24: Start learning something new. Do something with your hands.
Day 25: Spend more time on your own.
Day 26: Declutter your relationships. Stay away from emotional vampires.
Day 27: Love without fear.
Day 28: Be fair to yourself and to others. Be gentle and compassionate.
Day 29: Don’t forget that one day, you will leave this world. Don’t fuss over small problems. Trim your ego. Take it easy. Don’t let the illusion overcome you.
Day 30: Be more productive. Use your time better.
And the bonus:
Day 31: Add value to people’s lives. Make a difference. But don’t do it to fulfill your ego.
Congratulations! You rock! Keep up the good work, and never forget to give yourself a tap on the shoulder as often as possible. 
20 Useful Things You Can Accomplish In 15 Minutes
“Don’t count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count.”
Life is made up of nothing more than a series of moments. If you can find some way to pull 15 extra minutes out of a hat, you’d better at least use them wisely. Where will you find these moments, and when you find them, how will you use them?
Just 15 extra minutes a day will convert into a powerful 91 hours a year. That’s a massive chunk of time that you can use to acquire new skills and get things done. The benefit is seen when we create a daily habit and commit those 15 minutes to something worthwhile. You can wake up 15 minutes earlier, steal 15 minutes from lunch, after work, or right before bed — the choice is yours.
Once you’ve figured out which sleeve those 15 minutes are hiding under, you’re ready to pick your target. You can mix-and-match from the list below, or choose a specific item to focus on over weeks, months, or even a year. The key is your commitment to cultivate a habit, from which your life will improve.
20 Useful Things You Can Accomplish In 15 Minutes
1. Stretch. If you stretch for 15 minutes every day you will become very flexible. It will be easier for you to move around, exercise, and it will facilitate the flow of blood throughout your body. This extra flow will improve your overall health and improve your mental focus.
2. Read. Pick a time when you can read, without interruptions, for a solid 15 minutes each day. You’ll find that you’re able to get through certain books in a week or two, and you’re increasing your knowledge and mental capacity with minimal effort. You may discover a new passion, or master a subject over the course of a year through this small time commitment.
3. Run. Do a series of short sprints with intervals between running and resting. This is the best way to build up speed and increase your body’s capacity to utilize oxygen. At the same time you will be powering up your body with higher energy levels throughout the rest of your day.
4. Calisthenics. This form of exercising involves sit-ups, push-ups, trunk twists, squats, chin-ups, etc., which basically means using your own body weight as resistance. It’s very effective to build muscle tone and get your exercise on, and it hardly requires any equipment (other than perhaps a chin-up bar).
5. Sleep. I just told you to find 15 minutes, and now I’m recommending that you sleep them away? This one is more useful during the middle of the day. If you have a set schedule, and you can conveniently fit a 15 minute nap, you can catch a second wind that will leave you feeling energized for the second half of your day.
6. Cook. This might not be enough time to make an extensive meal, but it is sufficient enough to put something together. Make yourself a sandwich, or get some leftovers together, so that you don’t have to eat out for lunch. You’ll save a lot of money using this method.
7. Write. Depending on your writing skill, you may be able to take a nice chunk out of writing a 50,000 word novel (it’s less than you think), over the span of a couple of years, if you use your 15 minutes a day wisely. If it takes you longer, so be it, but eventually you will have the finished product in your hand. This won’t happen unless you sit down and write.
8. Talk (aka Listen). You can use your newly found time to build solid relationships with several people, or an even closer one with one special person. You can both look forward to these 15 minutes, whether in person or over the phone, and share your goals, dreams, and accomplishments with each other. If 15 minutes is too little time for you to talk then just listen to them for 15 minutes and they’ll love you for it.
9. Draw. While 15 minutes a day, over the course of a year, may not be enough time to build a professional collection, it’s still mighty useful. You can use these 15 minutes to create several nice drawings, but more importantly it will sharpen your skill and give you a creative outlet.
10. Blog. I’ll admit that it takes me longer than 15 minutes to write a blog post, but you can take the short and sweet approach yourself. In 15 minutes you can craft and publish some witty commentary or useful information about a breaking topic that your readers would truly appreciate.
11. Journal. One of the best gifts you can give yourself is the ability to reflect upon your life. You can do this by keeping a journal of the biggest highlights within your life. Taking just 15 minutes a day to write down how you feel, what you learned, and what you want out of life will help you track where you’ve been and where you want to go.
12. Visit nature. Bask in the beauty and serenity that nature has selflessly provided us with. Go to a forest, park, or simply sit under a tree, and do nothing, read a book, or chat with a friend. While out walking I saw a kid sitting under a tree with his laptop; while not the most effective use of nature, it still beats doing the required homework inside the house on a beautiful day.
13. Meditate. The research is in, and there’s no doubt that stress is a killer. I’ve learned extensively in my Masters program about the physiological damage that stress causes within us. Meditation is one of the very best ways to relieve stress, and it has many other benefits as well. Do yourself a favor and try this on.
14. Organize. In 15 minute bursts there is a lot you can do to organize your life. You can clean a table top, the desktop on your computer, your bookshelf, organize your clothes, vacuum your house, bathroom, kitchen, etc. Just know that your 15 minutes are dedicated to some form of cleaning, and you’ll notice that your environment and eventually your mind will be that much more clutter free.
15. Plan. Spend 15 minutes planning out your day, or week. By spending time planning every single day you’ll end up saving hours by remembering the right supplies, making special arrangements, and cutting out unnecessary steps. Planning makes a difference.
16. Network. Whether it’s for your job, or some kind of recreational endeavor, you can use your 15 minutes to network and make friends. You can do this by using twitter, or creating a template e-mail and searching out new people to contact with it. Even if you contact 5 people a day, that’s 1825 potential contacts over the year. That’s just the point, it adds up.
17. Research. With Google at your fingertips you can find out some very useful information about your health, hobby, career, or some way to improve your life. You can even buy access into scientific journals and do some significant medical research in your spare time.
18. Play catch. You won’t find too many activities easier than tossing the ball around between two people. It’s great exercise, it’s relaxing yet invigorating, and a great opportunity to talk and bond.
19. Eat slowly. Do not treat eating as one of life’s little inconveniences. Instead, eat slowly and enjoy each bite as if it were your last, and if it were, know that you got the most out of it by using an extra 15 minutes to extract pleasure from each morsel of food.
20. Self-improvement. Take 15 minutes a day to read some articles by your favorite writers who compress massive amounts of information into practical, easy to read, and very informative articles.
Related articles
- Walk This Way: The Benefits of Walking (fitsugar.com)
- Trust 30: Day 1: 15 Minutes to Live (inspirationlocation.com)
- The 15 Minute Challenge (suzanneanderson.net)
8 Ways To Stop Being Afraid of Making Wrong Decisions
Every morning we wake up and face a new day with new challenges. It’s human nature and this is the course of life. Even if I was not always prepared for whatever fate has given me to carry on my shoulders I struggled and I managed to get all things to an end.
One of the greatest challenges I faced was fear: fear of change, fear of making wrong decisions and fear of holding my point of view. This instinct of fear can mess up our lives distorting the way we look at ourselves and at the people around us. From definitions, fear is a pre-programmed emotion that acts as an instinctual response to potential danger. And this instinctual response causes different physical reactions, because when we are afraid, the adrenaline and the stress hormone cortisol are released into the blood stream.
We can say there are two types of fear: healthy and unhealthy fear. For example if we are afraid of spiders or if we are afraid of not succeeding something, then we have an unhealthy fear. This fear is unproductive, it’s stressing us and it’s repressing our actions, blocking the normal course of things. On the other side, if we are smoking a lot and we are afraid of putting our health in danger, then this is a healthy fear. This healthy fear could motivate us to take better decisions and to better organize our life.
Unfortunately, what we face most are unhealthy fears. “The most destructive element in the human mind is fear. Fear creates aggressiveness” says Dorothy Thompson.
As I mentioned at the beginning, fear is the instinctual response to potential danger, therefore we must analyze and manage the “potential danger” in order to stop being afraid.
- See beyond the danger. When we face a potential danger we panic and this makes us take wrong decisions or run away from responsibilities. What we should do instead is take a deep breath and think of all possible consequences and implications. Many times,things are not as bad as we think they are.
- Take a positive attitude. We are strong enough to manage all the problems and nothing can stop us.
- Expand our comfort zone. There are three important zones where we can be situated: the comfort zone, the learning zone and the panic zone. Let’s think of it as three circles one inside another. The unexpected gets us out of the comfort zone and into the learning zone which leads to the panic zone. It was proved by scientists that operating on the edge of our comfort zone is the best place to learn and grow. As long as we are “inside” it’s ok, but if we face a new and different situation we get out of these zones and move into the panic zone. We have to learn how to behave and how to manage the new situations without being afraid of taking wrong decisions. After all, is practice and learning that make these transitions less scary, resulting in an expansion of the comfort zone.
- When you want to give up, do one more step. This step is about pushing our limits and becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. We never know we will succeed unless we actually try.
- Do not avoid or postpone tasks and activities. I often find myself postponing and delaying certain activities just because I am afraid of the result. In the end, we still have to do that thing and with time passing it might become even harder and we won’t get rid of it. More that that the pressure and the stress will become more intense. So let’s do things at the right time and feel a great release indifferent the result.
- Don’t be afraid of competition. We are just competitors – like all the others. We don’t have to give up fighting just because we are scared. Just because we can’t read fear on our competitors’ face this doesn’t mean they are not scared. The first rule in winning is to participate!
- Strengthen your will with religious beliefs. If you are a religious person, then you should know that fear is not a God’s will. God wants us to be strong and to carry our problems with strength. Take some time to say a prayer and “have a talk with God”.
- Get enough sleep. Usually when we get into these situations, we neglect one of the most important things: sleep. If our body does not rest enough, there will appear another variable, fatigue, which will aggravate our situation even more. Sleep enough because it’s vital to be fresh when you take important decisions.
We might all have some fear about the future and about the unknown but we must always keep in mind that “The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”
Related articles
- Living with Fears (12images.wordpress.com)
- How to live (peppidee.wordpress.com)
- How to Step out of your Comfort Zone (jemenah.wordpress.com)
10 Ways to Inspire Your Kids
You probably already know how important it is for kids to indulge their creative side, but even when they’re up for being imaginative, many projects are mostly a lesson in following instructions.“This project-based, interactive experience inspires kids like nothing I’ve ever seen,” Bascomb says. Read on for tips on how to inspire your own children.
1. Practice what you preach.
“Mentor and coach alongside your children,” advises Bascomb. “It’s incredibly inspiring for kids to work with their parents, instead of simply taking directions from them.” This way, they’ll see that you’re truly invested in their success and will view you as an ally. And hey, maybe you’ll learn something new, too! So next time they need your help with a project, instead of telling them how to do it, jump in and try to figure it out together.
2. Encourage hands-on activities.
Bascomb stresses the importance of “getting in there and working with your hands,” explaining that there is something almost primal about our desire to build and create. Put away the computers and smartphones, get some tools––even just a hammer, nails and wood––and build something together. “You might light a fire inside your kid that you didn’t know existed.” You’ll also help your child connect to and appreciate the way of life that previous generations experienced, before video games and the Internet.
3. Expect more from your kids.
It can be tempting to over-assist in an effort to help your child succeed, but hand-holding can backfire and send the message that she can’t do it on her own. Instead, says Bascomb, “give your kids responsibility, and expect more from them. It’s amazing what kids are able to do if you push them to take a leadership role, formulate their own ideas and execute them. Give them the tools they need, and let them run.”
4. Provide the raw materials.
Lynn Louise Wonders, LPC, RPT-S, RYT, psychotherapist and director of services at Marietta Counseling for Children & Adults (MCCA) in Marietta, Georgia, notes the importance of stocking your child’s environment with materials conducive to creativity. “Keep things like clay, confetti, googly eyes and popsicle sticks on hand and readily available,” she advises. Libby Chalk, LMFT, a therapist on staff at MCCA, adds, “Instead of turning on the TV for young children, purchase toys that encourage imaginative play, like a dollhouse, train table and farm set. Not only does this encourage creativity and abstract thinking, but it also provides opportunities to take on new roles and experiment with teamwork and relationships.”
5. Help them “peer up.”
While parental involvement is paramount, it’s also crucial that kids have opportunities to learn with others on their level. “Find projects and outlets where your children can learn together with other kids,” Bascomb says. “Peer-to-peer learning is an incredibly motivational, exciting way to learn, and one that reinforces knowledge like no test or studying ever could.” Seek extracurricular activities and camps in which kids work together in teams to create something, like a science project or music video, or have your kids and their friends brainstorm creative projects they can do at home.
6. Applaud efforts over outcomes.
While it’s tempting to pile on the praise for a job well done, it’s more important to encourage kids throughout the process in order to recognize and engage their intrinsic creativity and ability. “When a child realizes for himself that he has the ability, potential and know-how to figure it out, his motivation becomes a much deeper pool to draw from than when he relies on external sources to boost him,” says Wonders.
7. Expand your child’s comfort zone.
Learning about different cultures and ways of life can expand your child’s mind by opening his eyes to alternate ways of doing things. “Take your children to unfamiliar places to observe a different culture, even if it’s to another side of your own city,” Wonders suggests. Or regularly sample other cultures’ cuisines with your children, and “do some research together on that culture. Help your children see their own world from a different point of view.”
8. Recognize that one size does not fit all.
“Different brains process information in different ways,” explains Wonders, so don’t insist that your child create or study in a certain way if there are other viable options that may work better for her. “Brush up on different learning styles and help your child to understand the way her brain processes information most effectively.” Take this quiz to discover your child’s learning style then “join creative forces to find new ways to study for a test or complete a project.” You’ll be acknowledging and validating your child’s uniqueness while empowering her to figure out the things that work best for her.
9. Help them see the big picture.
Chalk suggests having older children or adolescents imagine the kind of person they want to be in five years, and even write a letter to their future self, contemplating such questions as “What do they want to be known for? What do they want their friends to like them for? What kind of activities do they want to be involved in or teams do they want to be on? What will they spend their time doing during the week and on weekends? Will they have a job? This can be a great platform to start talking about how to reach the goals they are setting and what steps they can be taking today,” explains Chalk.
10. Encourage kids to set their own bar.
Popular culture and cliques at many schools tend to promote a very narrow definition of what’s considered “cool,” but your kids don’t have to buy into it. Bascomb says, “Tell your kids that cool is what they make it, no matter their interests––whether it’s football, the cello, theater, dance, writing or chess. Tell them that if they work hard, are passionate about what they’re doing, and commit fully to it, then that activity is cool. Forget what anybody else says.”
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Don’t Stop after Read this, just share:–
6 Tough Relationship Talks You Must Have
If communication is the key to happiness, then the ability to have tough conversations with your significant other may be the act that turns the key and unlocks the door to a lifetime of happiness. (I know, enough with the metaphors.) It’s true, though. I believe it’s virtually impossible to have a successful long-term relationship if the two of you can’t handle tough conversations.
The following article deals with six of those conversations, and provides men with the framework to successfully navigate through these inevitable discussions. Read. Comment. Share. ____________________________
The STD Talk
She asks: “How many women have you slept with?”
You answer: “Thirty-six.”
Why that’s a mistake: Uh, hello, McFly, she wasn’t really asking how many women you’ve slept with. She was asking if you’ve ever been tested for sexually transmitted diseases. But now that you’ve answered truthfully, she’ll be sure to hold it against you.
What to say instead: “I’m not really into keeping score, but if you’re worried about STDs, I was tested last month”—or whatever the reality is—”and if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll see my doctor next week.” Then go. The more proactive you are, the more comfortable she’ll be and the better the sex will be. “The only way you’re going to enjoy sex is if you get this talk out of the way,” says Logan Levkoff, a sexologist and the author of Third Base Ain’t What It Used to Be.
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The Birth-Control Talk
She asks: “Did you bring a condom?”
You answer: “Why don’t you go on the Pill?”
Why that’s a mistake: You think you’re being honest and direct. She thinks you’re being selfish, and isn’t that just typical. Anger ensues. Sex doesn’t.
What to say instead: “Do you like how sex feels when I’m wearing a condom?” You do have a shot, because most women prefer sex au naturel, too. Take her answer as a jumping-off point to share your preferences. She’s not likely to say, “What a great idea. I’ll see my gynecologist tomorrow.” So be willing to shelve this discussion for a few months—and to try various types of condoms—while she determines whether you’re Pillworthy.
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The Where’s-This-Going? Talk
She asks: “Where’s this going?”
You answer: “Back off, man trap.”
Why that’s a mistake: You think she’s asking why you haven’t proposed. But she’s just wondering if you see her in your short-or long-term future. You feel cornered and storm out. She shatters a vase on the wall.
What to say instead: “Can we talk about this on Saturday?” You need to think about where the relationship actually is going. On Saturday, put all your thoughts and concerns on the table, says Janet Surrey, Ph.D., coauthor of We Have to Talk. Don’t worry about having all answers. She just wants you to think about the question. The one exception: If you don’t want the relationship to go farther, say so. She’s prepared for the worst, so she’ll take the news pretty well.
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The Sexual-Desire Talk
She says: “Let’s just snuggle tonight.”
You answer: “Why don’t you ever want to have sex with me?”
Why that’s a mistake: Guilt isn’t hot. Neither is selfishness. “Don’t make it seem like you’re only interested in getting what you want, even if you are,” says Surrey. If you become frustrated, she’ll become frosty.
What to say instead: “How would you like a massage?” She’ll know what your motive is, but since you’re putting her pleasure first, she’s more apt to overlook it. If she still wants only to sleep in your arms, let her. Then initiate sex in the a.m. Her testosterone spikes in the morning, and cuddling increases oxytocin, a hormone that makes her feel more amorous.
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The Money Talk
She asks: “Do you like my new shoes?”
You answer: “You really need more shoes?”
Why that’s a mistake: No, she didn’t need another pair of shoes, just like you didn’t need an iPhone. But she’s modeling them for you now, so get over it.
What to say instead: “They look great on you.” Then gently remind her about that trip you’re both saving for. “What leads to fighting is not being clear about financial goals,” says Sharon Epperson, author of The Big Payoff. If you haven’t agreed on what you’re saving for yet, take this as a sign you should start. Go over your budget at the start of every month, suggests Epperson. Along with long-term goals, it needs room for pleasure purchases like shoes and iStuff.
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The Room-to-Breathe Talk
She says: “I need some space.”
You answer: “Have a nice life.”
Why that’s a mistake: When a woman asks for space, she’s not dumping you. She just wants a few days to herself. Or . . . she’s testing you to see how invested you are in the relationship. If you bolt, you fail.
What to say instead: “Take as much space as you need.” Chances are she’ll clear her head, miss you, and end up calling within a week. During that time, put your thoughts about the relationship—the good and bad, and where you see it going—in a letter. “Writing it will allow you to gather your thoughts and convey to her how you truly feel,” says Surrey. Send the letter. She may not come running back to you, but at least you’ll have started the conversation.
10 No-Fail First-Date Conversations
This may be advice for men, but women can follow all of these talking points, too!
So you finally gathered enough courage to go talk to the cute redhead who caught your eye, but your friends aren’t impressed just yet. You finally develop the backbone to ask her out, and now your friends are impressed.
They ask where you plan to take her out, and, more importantly, what you’re going to talk about on that nerve-racking first date. Your knees begin to tremble uncontrollably, but fear not! Read this list and you will have the girl begging for seconds.
10: Avoid her past
Generally speaking, one should never ask about past lovers on a first date. In fact, this should be avoided until she initiates the topic (if she ever does). She might have been hurt or may still be in love with her ex. You also prefer to start with a clean slate, so becoming chummy with her and comforting her about past mistakes may not be the greatest strategy on the first date.
9: Got any brothers or sisters?
Usually, a safe topic of conversation is asking about siblings (but don’t ask her if she’s got cute sisters). Asking about her parents could backfire if they divorced or separated, especially when she was very young. But sisters and brothers usually trigger good feelings and score points for you, since you’re showing a caring side and an interest in her family life.
8: Traveled anywhere special?
A tricky way to spark a girl’s interest is by asking about her past travel destinations and where she intends on visiting in the future. The upside is that if she mentions a spot she always wanted to visit, lo and behold, here comes the knight in shining armor (that’s you, boy) who offers to make her dreams come true one day by taking her there. This also provides each of you with some insight about the other’s cultural background and openness to new adventures.
7: Drinks, anyone?
A topic of conversation, especially if the date is taking place at a restaurant or bar, is the kind of food and drinks each of you prefers. Not only can you gauge whether or not you share culinary preferences, but the potential topics are endless and provide you with a safe topic of conversation — unless, of course, you are dating someone with an addiction to food or alcohol.
6: Any career plans?
Asking a girl about her past education and whether she intends on returning to school is admittedly a double-edged sword. She might love to go on and on about her numerous academic achievements, but she might break down and admit that her current job has absolutely nothing to do with what she studied. In either case, you are provided with a golden opportunity to reassure and encourage her with an abundance of compliments.
5: How’s your job?
If you are years removed from your college years, then talking about work and career goals just might be a safer topic. Admittedly, you shouldn’t let her go into the mundane details about how fed up she is with her life, which would explain why she’s on her seventh margarita. But generally speaking, people like to brag about work, no matter how routine it is. It also gives you an idea regarding whether or not you are dating a future CEO or a waitress for life (not that there is anything wrong with that, of course).
4: Got any friends?
Ask her about her friends. Even if you do not know them, she will love to tell you about her circle of friends, how much they mean to her and where she met them (and all of the things they did together). Don’t doze off, though, my good man; this is when you get precious details about her. If you ever make it further than the first date, her friends are usually the best source to unearth the skeletons in her closet.
3: Free time frolicking
Does she Rollerblade, collect stamps or dance? How about sports? What kind of music does she like? These are the questions you must ask to determine how much of a bond exists between the two of you. Moreover, you gain some insight to follow-up questions.
2: Weekend’s peakin’
Not only do you get a clearer picture of what life with her will be like after the honeymoon, but you are also sending mixed messages, which is not entirely bad at first. Yes, mind games are childish, but keeping your cards at your chest gives you leverage. She will ask herself: “Does he want to see me on weekends?”
1: Be bold and look ahead
Now, assuming she is having a good time and she is looking at you with that sparkle in her eye… in other words, if her body language is positive, you can look ahead and talk about other things you could do together in the future. Admittedly, you do not want to rush too far ahead and scare her off, but if she’s enjoying herself, chances are she’ll be curious to see what other great adventures you have in store for her.
Get Talking
Use these topic ideas as a general guide. Be sure to ask her lots of questions, but the key is to listen to her answers and form new questions around those. And remember: Don’t be nervous. See the first-date experience for what it is: A good time with some good company, and that’s all. This way, you’ll be able to relax and have fun.
June 21, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: Advice, Ask an Expert, Conversation, Dating, First date, first dates, People, Person, Personal development, Question, Relationship, Rollerblade, Sexuality, Sword, Talk radio, Talking point, Topic-comment, Women | 2 Comments »