10 Surprising Health Benefits of Making Love
Getting sex on is about more than just about pleasure. Good sexual health can perk up your bodily health. It certainly puts you in a optimistic frame of wits. Conserve power, turn off lights and light a candle. Save water, share a shower and soap each other. Go green between the sheets. This is more than a lifehack for mating, more than a justification to have sex.
10. A Lower Blood Pressure Level
A big health benefit of sex is lower blood pressure and overall stress reduction, according to researchers from Scotland who reported their findings in the journal Biological Psychology. They studied 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity. Then the researchers subjected them to stressful situations — such as speaking in public and doing verbal arithmetic — and noted their blood pressure response to stress. Those who had intercourse had better responses to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained. Another study published in the same journal found that frequent intercourse was associated with lower diastolic blood pressure in cohabiting participants. Yet other research found a link between partner hugs and lower blood pressure in women.
9. An Analgesic
Sex releases the fun-time hormone, oxytocin. And as WebMD reports, “as the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines. So if your headache, arthritis pain, or PMS symptoms seem to improve after sex, you can thank those higher oxytocin levels.” Beats taking a double dose of pain relieving analgesic any time.
8. A good Work Out
Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions. “Sex is a great mode of exercise,” says Patti Britton, PhD, a Los Angeles sexologist and president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators and Therapists. It takes work, from both a physical and psychological perspective, to do it well, she says.
7. A Cleansed System
It goes without saying that when we get aroused our blood starts to pump at a quicker rate and, thus, blood flow to our brain increases. Both an increased heart rate and more blood pumping through the brain result in better performance (in and out of the bedroom). What this ultimately means is that the fresh supply of blood pumping through your body provides the organs with a healthy dose of oxygen and rids the body of old and wasteful products. So, another health benefitof sex is a cleansed system. Treat your temple right with the help of a little excitement.
6. Fountain of Youth
Although the orgasm is sometimes referred to as the “little death,” having at least two orgasms a week can increase your life span. Every time you reach orgasm, the hormone DHEA (Dehydroepiandrosterone) increases in response to sexual excitement and ejaculation. DHEA can boost your immune system, repair tissue, improve cognition, keep skin healthy, and even work as an antidepressant. Therefore, a health benefit of sex if you keep the orgasms coming, is potentially a longer life.
5. Healing Wounds & Hearts
Healing can be thought of in many ways. Sometimes a relationship needs to heal. Other times, a person needs to heal. It can be a wound or one suffering from something like diabetes. There have been studies in which evidence suggests that sex heals. Lovemaking can help rejuvenate to the point of cells regenerating and wounds healing faster. Set the stage right for the romp and anything is possible. Oxytocin from the big O, it does a body good.
4. An Anti-depressant
Sex produces phenylethylamine, a love chemical that ups your mood. Also, a study from the StateUniversity of New York shows that women who were directly exposed to semen were less depressed. Though as study lead Gordon Gallup points out, “I want to make it clear that we are not advocating that people abstain from using condoms.” After all, getting an STD or experiencing an unwanted pregnancy is not going to lift up anyone’s mood.
3. Prevents Cancer
Sex can help reduce the risk of breast cancer for women who have never given birth. A study showed that if a female increases the frequency of sex, she decreases the risks of breast cancer. Sex strengthens the pelvic floor muscles that control the flow of urine. Kegel exercises occur naturally during sex, giving women better bladder control. Frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life, Australian researchers reported in the British Journal of Urology International. When they followed men diagnosed with prostate cancer and those without, they found no association of prostate cancer with the number of sexual partners as the men reached their 30s, 40s, and 50s. But they found men who had five or more ejaculations weekly while in their 20s reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer later by a third.
2. A Hypnotic
After an orgasm, an intense wave of calm and relaxation overcomes humans (that’s why men usually fall asleep) and it’s a time when people can truly liberate themselves and let go. Plenty of people who enjoy a regular dose of sex convey that they sleep much better during the night and feel alive and refreshed throughout the day. So, one of the health benefits of sex is a better nights sleep, which allows you to handle day-to-day stress much more efficiently and helps fight insomnia.
1. Beneficial to Her
Getting down and dirty with her could help her reproductive health. The more sex she has, the more hormones she will produce that are responsible for increased sexual desire. That’s right, the more sex she has, the more sex she will want to have. More lovemaking can increase her levels of estrogen, which protects against osteoporosis and Alzheimer’s. Sex can also help prevent endometriosis in women. Ladies who have sex at least once a week have more regular menstrual cycles than those who frolic under the sheets less frequently. All this sex helps promote fertility in women by regulating menstrual patterns. Post romp, a female gets a jolt of natural oxytocin which in turn releases endorphins. This natural painkiller can help alleviate arthritis pain or lessen cramps. Plus all the practice is perfect if you want to hear the pitter-patter of little carbon footprints. After you’ve made a baby, horizontal dancing can trigger the onset of labor when she’s at term. Semen in her system may help with a speedy delivery. Yes, sex can maybe even help her to tolerate a natural, drug-free birth.
Related articles
- Sex and Its Benefits (socyberty.com)
- Sex and science: the health benefits of lovemaking (telegraph.co.uk)
20 Tasty Aphrodisiacs To Put Sizzle In Your Sex Life
If you’ve got sex on the brain but your body’s feeling unsexy, put away the blue pill! You don’t need Viagra, you need food. (Just not potato chips.) Sexual health and energy is synonymous with a healthy, energized you. An active lifestyle, balanced diet and self-confidence are the best ways to get the sexual charge you need – but that doesn’t mean there aren’t a few foods out there that can give you that extra…boost you’re looking for.
Maca
This Andean root is the first food that comes to mind when I think of sexual health and stamina. Just me? It’s been commonly used in Peru since the times of the Inca to increase strength, energy and libido. Modern foodies consider it a superfood, and with good reason. Maca is excellent for balancing hormones and makes a tasty addition to deserts and smoothies.
Cacao
Always a woman’s favorite. Real dark chocolate (we’re not talking See’s Candies here!) with a high cacao content contains natural stimulants and wellbeing chemicals, plus plenty of magnesium which is good for the heart and women’s libido. A healthy heart means better circulation, and that means better sex drive. Melt it, pour it, lick it…
Chiles
You can’t travel in Latin American without hearing a hot and spicy joke about the size of a man’s chile. And if you’re a fan of picante foods, you know how they can make you a bit sweaty and excitable. Blame it on the capsaicin, the substance in hot peppers which releases endorphins, stimulates nerve endings and increases heart rate.
Cardamom
This deliciously exotic little spice has a reputation in its home country of India for being an aphrodisiac. I just think it’s got a wonderful, sensual taste. But there may be some science behind it too: cardamom is high in cineole, which stimulates the nervous system.
Ginger
The spicy taste of hot, fresh ginger tea will heat your body up, make your heart race and increase the heat. What more do you need to get it going?
Pumpkin Seeds
High in zinc, which is needed for testosterone production, pumpkin seeds are essential for the libido in both men and women. Toast some up, pop in a movie, oh, forget the movie…
Oysters
Cold, slimy: I always wondered why oysters have such a reputation as an aphrodisiac food. Some say it’s the shape, but I say it’s the zinc, baby.
Hemp
Whether you prefer the seed, the milk, or the oil, hemp is high in the Essential Fatty Acids needed to help balance hormones for a better libido. Whip up a hemp milk latte and cozy up to your sweetie for some kisses to get things going.
Almonds
Best when eaten raw, almonds are high in libido-boosting vitamin E. A very sensible sex-boosting insurance policy. Eat daily.
Garlic
This one surprised me, because we all know how unattractive it is to be around someone who reeks of garlic. But take note, allicin improves blood flow to the sexual organs, so just make sure you and your partner have garlic in your meal together and you won’t mind the way the other smells. You have to admit, for garlic, that’s a sexy picture.
Bananas
This suggestively shaped fruit regulates blood pressure, and you’d do well to eat one a day, because there’s nothing quite like excessively high blood pressure (also known as hypertension) to cause erectile dysfunction.
Pomegranate Juice
A very sensual juice and luscious juice (surely Nigella Lawson would approve), many think that pomegranate’s high antioxidant content keeps free radicals from interfering with circulation. Which would have apositive effect on erectile dysfunction.
Goji Berries
These superfood berries are considered a potent sexual tonic in Asia. They improve mood and well being and increase testosterone production. They’re tart, complex and intriguing – fittingly.
Celery
Granted, celery is not the sexiest food, but it does contains andresterone, which is the hormone that gives men a subtle smell that drives women wild. I’m talking that t-shirt smell, ladies. (Men: we like this.)
Ginseng
This high energy root normalizes hormones levels in both men and women and it’s been used for centuries by the Chinese to increase stamina and desire.
Ginkgo Biloba
Sort of a wonder herb touted for many purposes, ginkgo can be used to increase sexual energy and regulate blood circulation.
Guava
High in vitamin C, guava is great for the antioxidants. Kiwi and berries are high in vitamin C too, which keeps the sexual glands running smoothly. There’s nothing like sharing a cool fruit salad on a hot summer’s day”¦
Wild Salmon
Another great source of Essential Fatty Acids. Try it cold with creme fraiche, crackers, wine and a little hand-feeding.
Avocado
Such an amazing food anyway, avocados are high in EFA’s and B-vitamins for hormone balance, and folic acid which is good for the heart and gives you energy.
Leafy Greens
Eat your salads, ladies, dark leafy greens help your liver metabolize estrogen, and create a good balance of this hormone essential for healthy female sexuality. Sure, they don’t look sexy, but they’ll make you feel amazing.
Of course, there’s no one food that’s going to magically improve your sex life. The key is to avoid cigarettes and excessive alcohol and maintain a state of general health and wellbeing. You can’t expect to sit on your tuckus all day snacking on potato chips and be an excellent lover!
Related articles
- Do Natural Aphrodisiacs Work? (thegreatone22.wordpress.com)
10 Marriage Rules You Should Break
The two of you should do everything together; work out every disagreement (without actuallyfighting); spend every night in the same bed; and never, ever be bored. Say what?! These and other so-called “rules” for marriage need some serious debunking. And it’s not just because rules your mother may have passed on are outdated; some may be downright damaging. In fact, “breaking some marriage ‘rules’ may be the best thing you can do for your relationship,” says Barbara Bartlein, RN, MSW, psychotherapist and author of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? Here are 10 rules you can break with confidence.
1. Never go to bed angry.
Where did this one come from? Turns out, it may go as far back as the Bible, which advises not letting the sun go down on your anger. But trying to work through a problem when you’re tired and stressed won’t get you anywhere, says Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD,psychologist
and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness. “Agree to disagree for now, and to revisit the issue when you’re rested.”
2. Always be 100% honest.
In marriage, no-holds-barred honesty is not always the best policy. For example, “you don’t need to share details of past relationships,” says Bartlein. “That invites comparisons, and when you compare, someone comes up short.” The bottom line: You need to be polite and caring when it comes to your partner’s feelings.
3. Never vacation without each other.
The received wisdom here is that if you have time off from your jobs and lives, you should naturally prefer to spend it together. One problem with this rule is that you and your spouse may not have the same definition of a great getaway (you like to ski, he’s a beach bum). The other danger, says Dr. Lombardo, is the belief “that you have to be each other’s everything, and that’s just not realistic.” Sometimes, you need a spa weekend, and he may want to go camping (or vice versa). Just be sure that you don’t alwaystake off without each other.
4. If you fight, you’re headed for divorce.
Actually, says Bartlein, research shows that couples who neverfight—assuming that means they’re holding back to avoid conflict—are more likely to split. You need to find ways to fight healthily and productively (without blaming, name-calling and the like), but that said, being committed to respectfully airing out conflicts is a far better rule than “keep your mouth shut.”
5. Once you have children, they come first.
“So often, I see couples who have put their relationship on hold in order to be good parents,” says Dr. Lombardo. But those couples, she says, have it exactly backward. Making your relationship top priority is better not just for you, but for your children, who need to see you in charge and who feel safer and more secure with parents who have a loving relationship. “Create couple-only time during which you do not discuss bills or children, where you do fun activities and enjoy each other’s company.” The kids’ll be all right.
6. You should never sleep in separate beds.
Um, snore much? It’s a myth that couples always sleep better and more cozily together than apart. One partner may be a toss-and-turner, or one may hit the hay early while the other keeps a reading light burning till the wee hours. So if one of you occasionally decamps to the guest room, don’t sweat it. “Getting a good night’s sleep is crucial to the health of your mind, body andmarriage,” says Dr. Lombardo. Just be sure a separate-bed habit isn’t about avoiding sex or physical intimacy.
7. Partners should sync up their hobbies.
Though spending every free moment you have training for a marathon while your spouse works on his classic car isn’t good for your marriage, neither is subscribing to the notion you should quit doing what you love just because your husband doesn’t love the same things. Giving up your passions is akin to forgoing your independence, and “without independence in a marriage people feel trapped,” says Bartlein. Pursue your separate interests andfind activities you both enjoy.
8. If there’s no spark, you’re doomed.
Many married couples understand intellectually that they won’t always experience that I’ve-been-drugged-by-love feeling in a long-term relationship. “But many still believe that when the spark dies out, it means they’re in the wrong relationship, and seek something new,” says Bartlein. Long-term relationships survive on commitment and trust, out of which grows love. The mistake here is to believe that you can live forever on fireworks, or even just love, alone.
9. Boring is bad.
The problem with this so-called rule, says Bartlein, is when couples confuse a calm, predictable union with a bad one. A drama-filled relationship may feel exciting, but in the long run it’s not likely to be healthy. Isn’t it better, she says, to “boringly” know where your spouse is every night than to be “excited” by constant ups and downs? “Better to have a safe, relaxed, ‘boring’ life together in the everyday. You can always inject excitement with vacations and activities.”
10. You should have sex with your partner to make him/her happy.
This may be a particular problem for women, especially new mothers. “Sex becomes yet another item on your to-do list, and you think you have to do it for the sake of your marriage, and the happiness of your spouse,” says Dr. Lombardo. While neither of those reasons is wrong, they shouldn’t be the only reasons. “Sex is for both of you.”
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8 Secrets of Sexually Satisfied Couples
Your sister, your best friend, your cubicle-mate—you keep hearing about these women who enjoy fabulous sex lives with their partners. But how do they manage to keep it hot, especially when they have a couple of kids and more than a few years together? So you don’t have to broach the subject yourself, we asked a few lucky women for their secrets to a satisfying sex life. Here’s what they had to say—and how you can apply their advice in your own bedroom.
1. They schedule sex.
What? Put “Have sex” on your calendar? “Absolutely!” say couples happy with their sex lives. Rather than killing the mood with a lack of spontaneity, scheduling sex tends to “take away all the very real excuses I could otherwise use, like that I’m exhausted after working and getting the kids to bed,” says Holly Jenkins,* who has been married for two years and has three boys under the age of 10. “For couples in long-term relationships, planning a romantic interlude leads to a higher-quality, more enjoyable sexual experience,” says Victoria Zdrok Wilson, JD, PhD, who cowrote The 30-Day Sex Solution with her husband, John Wilson. Instead of thinking of calendar sex as unromantic, view it instead as a delicious form of foreplay. Send each other anticipatory texts, plan what you’ll wear (or not), and so on.
2. They lock the bedroom door.
This little bit of hardware is essential in a home with children, says Jennifer Flanders, who’s been married 24 years and has 12 children, ranging in age from 11 months to 23 years. She jokes that whenever the family moves to a new home, a new lock on the master bedroom tops the to-do list. Even if you don’t have a physical lock, creating a sense of boundaries is key, says Sacha Mohammed—married 14 years, with 7 children. “I always made sure the children were put to bed on time when they were little so my husband and I could have our time together; the kids were also taught to always knock to announce their presence.” According to Dr. Zdrok Wilson, “each couple needs to evaluate their environment and determine the optimal conditions for great sex.” For some, a lock may be enough to create an adults-only barrier. Others may need to go further to create a sensual, relaxing haven in their bedroom by banning electronic gadgets, computers and TVs, not to mention kids and their toys!
3. They have perfected the quickie.
During certain critical periods in a marriage––particularly when you’re new parents––time and energy are both at a premium. Couples who maintain a good sex life during these challenging times have learned to make the quickie something that’s good for both of them. If you’ve avoided speedy sex sessions in the past because it takes time for you to physically get in the mood, don’t underestimate the power of the mind-body connection. Try thinking of a place or time when the sex was amazing, and use it like a meditation, taking yourself back there in your mind, says Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, marriage and family therapist and author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage. And “don’t be afraid of fantasizing,” she adds, because if you can figure out how to use 20 minutes to your advantage, you can avoid dry spells in your sex life.
4. They experiment.
“Be open to different ways of expressing yourself sexually,” says Jenkins. “As with music, people tend to like a mix of the predictable and unexpected.” You have to find the right balance between being adventurous and being conventional: Don’t be so conventional that it’s boring. But don’t be so adventurous that you lose your intimacy–or level of comfort. This could mean everything from positions to the overall attitude you bring to the intimate encounter. Sexual ruts––always doing it on a certain day, at a certain time, in a certain room––can breed boredom. Something as simple as mixing it up on the living room floor or in the shower can add some much-needed spice. Or get out of the house entirely. “Many couples report that they have the best sex when they’re not at home,” says Dr. Zdrok Wilson. “I call it ‘the dirty little motel’ syndrome.” And it doesn’t have to be limited to when you’re on vacation—hire a babysitter or drop the kids off at their grandparents’ house every once in a while so the two of you can book a room even if it’s only for a couple of hours.
5. They keep communicating.
Mohammed says that “excellent communication skills” is the top reason she and her husband continue to enjoy a satisfying sex life. “Before we got married, my husband told me we would talk about everything, and he meant it,” she says. There’s no other way to understand what your partner wants, needs or enjoys other than talking. And don’t make assumptions: You may be surprised to learn that what you thought was foolproof doesn’t really float his boat anymore, says Gilchrest O’Neill. “Save those conversations for when you’re not having sex, though in the actual moment, speak up about small adjustments your partner can make to increase enjoyment.
6. They avoid or reject excuses.
“Many of the excuses other couples use to avoid sex––like headaches, stress, tiredness or arguments––are some of the exact same reasons we choose to make sex a priority,” says Flanders. “Sex relieves pain, reduces stress, promotes better sleep and motivates us to settle our disagreements quickly.” Beware of letting excuses take on a life of their own, because, to use one example, the kids aren’t needy babies forever, and before you know it sex is so far on the back burner it’s fallen completely off the stove. “Brainstorm solutions to the things that get in the way of having sex,” suggests Gilchrest O’Neill. Tired? Go to bed earlier. Not enough time? Get creative with the hours or minutes you do have. However, if the root of your excuses isn’t fixable with practical changes (for example, if there are underlying problems or resentments), consider seeing a therapist.
7. They trust each other.
Jenkins cites her and her husband’s adventurous sex life, but is quick to add that for adventurousness to exist, it has to be preceded by trust. “Great sex is a reflection of the overall rapport and communication you have in other rooms of the house. To have trust with your spouse, you have to always try to build each other up outside the bedroom. If you say or do something critical or disrespectful to your partner during the day, why would he want to be naked and try something new with you later that evening?” she asks. Trust, comfort and ease with each other happens when you engage in active listening, says Dr. Zdrok Wilson. “You have to work on listening to your partner in an active, empathetic way and reciprocate by confiding in him, and baring your own feelings,” she says. Once you two feel like allies—not adversaries—your sex life will feel more honest and, hopefully, a lot hotter!
8. They care about their appearance and health.
“We still take pride in how we look for each other,” says Mohammed. Certainly staying in shape and paying attention to appearance helps you and your partner maintain the mood. But it’s not just about pleasing your partner’s eye; taking care of yourself makes you feel good about yourself. Not only that, but your libido is dependent on your overall health. “When you feel unhealthy, tired, ill or lacking in energy, you’re not likely to be motivated to engage in regular sexual activity,” says Dr. Zdrok Wilson. So, hit the gym, put on some makeup or dress up even if you’re not going anywhere. Do whatever makes you feel sexy and he’s guaranteed to notice.
Also Read This Great Related Articles
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6 Tough Relationship Talks You Must Have
If communication is the key to happiness, then the ability to have tough conversations with your significant other may be the act that turns the key and unlocks the door to a lifetime of happiness. (I know, enough with the metaphors.) It’s true, though. I believe it’s virtually impossible to have a successful long-term relationship if the two of you can’t handle tough conversations.
The following article deals with six of those conversations, and provides men with the framework to successfully navigate through these inevitable discussions. Read. Comment. Share. ____________________________
The STD Talk
She asks: “How many women have you slept with?”
You answer: “Thirty-six.”
Why that’s a mistake: Uh, hello, McFly, she wasn’t really asking how many women you’ve slept with. She was asking if you’ve ever been tested for sexually transmitted diseases. But now that you’ve answered truthfully, she’ll be sure to hold it against you.
What to say instead: “I’m not really into keeping score, but if you’re worried about STDs, I was tested last month”—or whatever the reality is—”and if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll see my doctor next week.” Then go. The more proactive you are, the more comfortable she’ll be and the better the sex will be. “The only way you’re going to enjoy sex is if you get this talk out of the way,” says Logan Levkoff, a sexologist and the author of Third Base Ain’t What It Used to Be.
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The Birth-Control Talk
She asks: “Did you bring a condom?”
You answer: “Why don’t you go on the Pill?”
Why that’s a mistake: You think you’re being honest and direct. She thinks you’re being selfish, and isn’t that just typical. Anger ensues. Sex doesn’t.
What to say instead: “Do you like how sex feels when I’m wearing a condom?” You do have a shot, because most women prefer sex au naturel, too. Take her answer as a jumping-off point to share your preferences. She’s not likely to say, “What a great idea. I’ll see my gynecologist tomorrow.” So be willing to shelve this discussion for a few months—and to try various types of condoms—while she determines whether you’re Pillworthy.
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The Where’s-This-Going? Talk
She asks: “Where’s this going?”
You answer: “Back off, man trap.”
Why that’s a mistake: You think she’s asking why you haven’t proposed. But she’s just wondering if you see her in your short-or long-term future. You feel cornered and storm out. She shatters a vase on the wall.
What to say instead: “Can we talk about this on Saturday?” You need to think about where the relationship actually is going. On Saturday, put all your thoughts and concerns on the table, says Janet Surrey, Ph.D., coauthor of We Have to Talk. Don’t worry about having all answers. She just wants you to think about the question. The one exception: If you don’t want the relationship to go farther, say so. She’s prepared for the worst, so she’ll take the news pretty well.
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The Sexual-Desire Talk
She says: “Let’s just snuggle tonight.”
You answer: “Why don’t you ever want to have sex with me?”
Why that’s a mistake: Guilt isn’t hot. Neither is selfishness. “Don’t make it seem like you’re only interested in getting what you want, even if you are,” says Surrey. If you become frustrated, she’ll become frosty.
What to say instead: “How would you like a massage?” She’ll know what your motive is, but since you’re putting her pleasure first, she’s more apt to overlook it. If she still wants only to sleep in your arms, let her. Then initiate sex in the a.m. Her testosterone spikes in the morning, and cuddling increases oxytocin, a hormone that makes her feel more amorous.
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The Money Talk
She asks: “Do you like my new shoes?”
You answer: “You really need more shoes?”
Why that’s a mistake: No, she didn’t need another pair of shoes, just like you didn’t need an iPhone. But she’s modeling them for you now, so get over it.
What to say instead: “They look great on you.” Then gently remind her about that trip you’re both saving for. “What leads to fighting is not being clear about financial goals,” says Sharon Epperson, author of The Big Payoff. If you haven’t agreed on what you’re saving for yet, take this as a sign you should start. Go over your budget at the start of every month, suggests Epperson. Along with long-term goals, it needs room for pleasure purchases like shoes and iStuff.
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The Room-to-Breathe Talk
She says: “I need some space.”
You answer: “Have a nice life.”
Why that’s a mistake: When a woman asks for space, she’s not dumping you. She just wants a few days to herself. Or . . . she’s testing you to see how invested you are in the relationship. If you bolt, you fail.
What to say instead: “Take as much space as you need.” Chances are she’ll clear her head, miss you, and end up calling within a week. During that time, put your thoughts about the relationship—the good and bad, and where you see it going—in a letter. “Writing it will allow you to gather your thoughts and convey to her how you truly feel,” says Surrey. Send the letter. She may not come running back to you, but at least you’ll have started the conversation.
Relationship Rules
Human beings crave intimacy, need to love and be loved. Yet people have much trouble doing so.
It’s clear from the many letters I get that lots of folks have no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like. Because I care about these things, and care about the environments children grow in, I’m using this space as an attempt to remedy the problem—again.
From many sources and many experts, I have culled some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it’s a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door. I won’t test you on them—but life will.
- Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.
- Know your partner’s beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don’t want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they’ll create it where it doesn’t exist.
- Don’t confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
- Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
- Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.
- View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences.
- Know how to manage differences; it’s the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don’t sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.
- If you don’t understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don’t assume.
- Solve problems as they arise. Don’t let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.
- Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people’s needs are fluid and change over time, and life’s demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
- Listen, truly listen, to your partner’s concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner’s perspective as well as your own.
- Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn’t happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn’t an end goal; it’s a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.
- Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you’re both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
- Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
- Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams
10 No-Fail First-Date Conversations
This may be advice for men, but women can follow all of these talking points, too!
So you finally gathered enough courage to go talk to the cute redhead who caught your eye, but your friends aren’t impressed just yet. You finally develop the backbone to ask her out, and now your friends are impressed.
They ask where you plan to take her out, and, more importantly, what you’re going to talk about on that nerve-racking first date. Your knees begin to tremble uncontrollably, but fear not! Read this list and you will have the girl begging for seconds.
10: Avoid her past
Generally speaking, one should never ask about past lovers on a first date. In fact, this should be avoided until she initiates the topic (if she ever does). She might have been hurt or may still be in love with her ex. You also prefer to start with a clean slate, so becoming chummy with her and comforting her about past mistakes may not be the greatest strategy on the first date.
9: Got any brothers or sisters?
Usually, a safe topic of conversation is asking about siblings (but don’t ask her if she’s got cute sisters). Asking about her parents could backfire if they divorced or separated, especially when she was very young. But sisters and brothers usually trigger good feelings and score points for you, since you’re showing a caring side and an interest in her family life.
8: Traveled anywhere special?
A tricky way to spark a girl’s interest is by asking about her past travel destinations and where she intends on visiting in the future. The upside is that if she mentions a spot she always wanted to visit, lo and behold, here comes the knight in shining armor (that’s you, boy) who offers to make her dreams come true one day by taking her there. This also provides each of you with some insight about the other’s cultural background and openness to new adventures.
7: Drinks, anyone?
A topic of conversation, especially if the date is taking place at a restaurant or bar, is the kind of food and drinks each of you prefers. Not only can you gauge whether or not you share culinary preferences, but the potential topics are endless and provide you with a safe topic of conversation — unless, of course, you are dating someone with an addiction to food or alcohol.
6: Any career plans?
Asking a girl about her past education and whether she intends on returning to school is admittedly a double-edged sword. She might love to go on and on about her numerous academic achievements, but she might break down and admit that her current job has absolutely nothing to do with what she studied. In either case, you are provided with a golden opportunity to reassure and encourage her with an abundance of compliments.
5: How’s your job?
If you are years removed from your college years, then talking about work and career goals just might be a safer topic. Admittedly, you shouldn’t let her go into the mundane details about how fed up she is with her life, which would explain why she’s on her seventh margarita. But generally speaking, people like to brag about work, no matter how routine it is. It also gives you an idea regarding whether or not you are dating a future CEO or a waitress for life (not that there is anything wrong with that, of course).
4: Got any friends?
Ask her about her friends. Even if you do not know them, she will love to tell you about her circle of friends, how much they mean to her and where she met them (and all of the things they did together). Don’t doze off, though, my good man; this is when you get precious details about her. If you ever make it further than the first date, her friends are usually the best source to unearth the skeletons in her closet.
3: Free time frolicking
Does she Rollerblade, collect stamps or dance? How about sports? What kind of music does she like? These are the questions you must ask to determine how much of a bond exists between the two of you. Moreover, you gain some insight to follow-up questions.
2: Weekend’s peakin’
Not only do you get a clearer picture of what life with her will be like after the honeymoon, but you are also sending mixed messages, which is not entirely bad at first. Yes, mind games are childish, but keeping your cards at your chest gives you leverage. She will ask herself: “Does he want to see me on weekends?”
1: Be bold and look ahead
Now, assuming she is having a good time and she is looking at you with that sparkle in her eye… in other words, if her body language is positive, you can look ahead and talk about other things you could do together in the future. Admittedly, you do not want to rush too far ahead and scare her off, but if she’s enjoying herself, chances are she’ll be curious to see what other great adventures you have in store for her.
Get Talking
Use these topic ideas as a general guide. Be sure to ask her lots of questions, but the key is to listen to her answers and form new questions around those. And remember: Don’t be nervous. See the first-date experience for what it is: A good time with some good company, and that’s all. This way, you’ll be able to relax and have fun.
June 21, 2011 | Categories: Relationship | Tags: Advice, Ask an Expert, Conversation, Dating, First date, first dates, People, Person, Personal development, Question, Relationship, Rollerblade, Sexuality, Sword, Talk radio, Talking point, Topic-comment, Women | 2 Comments »